Wickerman 2008 - Part 2

Friday

The day began on Friday with a trip to the barbers to get my hair cut yet again...I swear my hair grows faster than Jordan’s kid. But with hair chopped and my bags all packed, Jay & Laura came round to pick me up.

We performed the Tetris-like task of fitting all the bags into Jay’s car and set off on the journey to Dumfriesshire, stopping at Morrisons on the way to stock up with booze and food. Now I had wanted to do this at Tesco, however Jay assured me Morrisions was good as it had an “organic fruit shop”. At which point, me in all my maturity shot back “You’re an organic fruit shop” (yes this level of humour amuses me) and Jay as quick as a flash replied, “I am, want to sample my melons?”...it was going to be a fun weekend. The shopping trip amazingly cost £125 and we crammed all the drink into Jay’s already full car, totally knackering the suspension...it’s just as well Nelson wasn’t with us this year or the body of the car would have been touching the ground, the fat bastard that he is...

We arrived at the campsite and pitched our tents in the same area as last year after searching for Obie for about 40 minutes. He left a good few hours before us, however the phone signal was non-existent and we ended up just choosing the site ourselves. It turned out that Obie arrived an hour later than us, apparently having gone the scenic route...doesn’t surprise me as this is the man that managed to make the journey from Dundee to Glasgow last 3.5hrs by going through every village in central Scotland.

I took to the stage at around 6pm, with DJ and Keir in a small slot lasting an hour. I had a cracking 20 minute gig, helped a lot by he fact it started raining and forced a load of punters into the tent to seek shelter, giving me a nice big audience to perform to.

As I said yesterday, although Mark wasn’t at this year’s festival, we had concocted a plan. So as Keir McAllister waited to take the stage, I plugged my iPod into the sound system and Mark’s voice came over the speakers, giving Keir a fine introduction that would have pissed many comics off, but Keir took it in very good spirits, laughing at the ingenious scheme we had concocted (click the link below to hear the intro):

[LINK TO BE ADDED]

After the wee comedy show, the next act up was a poet who did a 10minute routine screaming in the voice of a Dalek...Keir and I were laughing so hard, however we were unsure if this is because it was a work of genius, or it was really, really terrible...the said poet then followed this up with a poem in the style of the Postman Pat theme tune, entitled, “Racist Pat”, which started with the line, “Racist Pat, racist Pat, racist Pat with his white and white cat”...now this one was genius which included the beautiful internal line rhyme of “postal worker” and “burkah”. Definitely a guy worth seeing.

After this, Kirst had just arrived from work, while Jay and Obie weren’t on until later in the evening, so we returned to the tents and got stuck into the massive amounts of booze. Now, copious amounts of alcohol and a group of comedians can lead to some very funny conversations, but also some very strange conversations (more on this tomorrow). I proceeded to get the pish ripped out of me for the rest of the evening following a remark about increasing the surface area of sausages in order for them to cook quicker...in hindsight, I deserved it...

So, several drinks later we headed back to the acoustic village for Jay and Obie’s gig. Jay took to the stage with a confidence and attitude that could be likened to a member of the Rolling Stones...unfortunately, that member of the Rolling Stones turned out to be Keith Richards as two minutes in, it became clear she was way more drunk than any of us thought. She totally forgot her set and stood on stage with that horrible “I have no idea what I’m doing or want to say” look on her face. She eventually said, “Guys, I’m going to need some help”, before then placing the mic back in the stand and finishing with the words “Obie, help me!”. She walked off and Obie came on for the next 5 minutes, filling time for Jay to get her head straight. She then reappeared and flawlessly performed an excellent gig. Fair play to the girl, I think it’s fair to say none of the blokes there, Keir, Obie or myself, would have had the balls to get back up or would have been able to pull that off!

An interesting thought struck me at that moment...when in life, ever, has there been anyone in trouble in a room full of people, and the person they cry out to for help is Obie...that’s like needing help with a Sudoku and choosing Jade Goodey as the woman for you...well I guess there’s a first time for everything....

Obie was up next and he had the best gig of the night, easily filling 40minutes with his random patter that had the, now full tent, in wave after wave of laughter – a crackin show from the big man.

So “work” over for the night, the group headed off to dance the night away and get even more drunk. When the blokes returned to the tents, there was a random shoe lying outside Jay’s tent. We had a look inside to find some jayke tucked up in Laura’s sleeping bag. The guy was totally gubbed and didn’t have a clue where he was. Obie awoke the squatter and turfed him out, while I stood at the side laughing my head off. I later found out I had made a call to Jay to tell her of the situation and when I heard the answer phone message I left back, it was truly hilarious. I’ll try my best to get it off Jay’s phone and post it on here!

Overall a great Friday night, where I managed to drink a load of Becks and the best part of a bottle of Pernod in the space of a few hours. As a result, I don’t remember much, but I’m certain I had a great time...although I’m also certain I met a unicorn and took a trip to Mars with Columbo...