Quickie 18/12

Islamic fundamentalists don't trust written or tape recorded messages, hence instead deliver all secret communications by human messenger...usually still set to self-destruct within ten seconds...

Quickie 17/12

My next door neighbour is what you'd call easy...If I had a pound for every time she sucked me off...well that would be me breaking even...

Quickie 14/12

The 100 Most Influential Women of All Time: A Ranking Past and Present - Carol Publishing Group (1995), has both Joan of Arc and Princess Diana listed as having huge impact on a world scale.

Diana famously lived her life "like a candle in the wind" , whereas Joan ended her life...like "a candle"...

Quickie 13/12

A story in the Record yesterday reported that a man spent 4 days trapped in a toilet.

That's nothing - my gran's been living in Dundee for the past 50 years...

My Daemon...

So I went to see the Golden Compass last week as I really enjoyed Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. I didn't think the film was really up to much - but being a dead beat student I have plenty of time to surf the web and play around on official movie web-sites...as a result I was able to see what my daemon would look like...and here it is...



Now I have already written a joke today - so this post contains none...but let me know what you think - I had no idea where else to post this!

Quickie 12/12

So scientists from across the pond think they have found evidence that girls really aren't as good at maths as boys.

I could have told you this myself - my girlfriend routinely thinks that if she has £63 in her bank account then she is able to buy 3 pairs of £90 shoes on her credit card...

Quickie 11/12

I recently spent 3 weeks in hospital after confronting a knife-weilding robber with only a drawing pin.

There's absolutely no truth in the saying, "The best means of defence is attack"...

Quickie 10/12

I find travelling by train pretty stressful. The last time I got the train through to Edinburgh I had a really embarrasing moment when I ordered a cup of tea and a kit-kat from the trolley, to then find I only had a twenty in my wallet...I had to put the kit-kat back...

Quickie 07/12

So it turns out John Darwin, the man believed to have been killed in a boating accident many years ago is, in fact, alive and well.

Let's hope this doesn't turn into a trend...I really can't face listening to a new Kirsty MacColl album over the Christams period...

Quickie 06/12

Footballer Kiegan Parker was thrown out of a brothel at the weekend for eating chips.

This seems unfair as surely this is the perfect accompaniment to the fish taste he had acquired after a half hour with employee Cheryl...

Quickie 05/12

Gordon Ramsey has caused controversy again on his programme Hell's Kitchen after referring to staff as a "fucking handicapped brigade".

Disabled rights activists have been appalled with the comment, saying it was completely unjustified.

What the cameras didn't show however, was the previous footage of the sous chef licking the windows while the apprentices ate the chalk used for marking up the specials...

So...back to blogging

Had a bit of a break from updating this site recently - due to the fact I moved out the family home and have only just got broadband in the flat. When I say "only just", what I mean is that I have had it for a week, but have used it for more important things such as getting up to date with Heroes...

Anyway, hope you guys are all well and hopefully I'll hit out with some stuff that will make you laugh.

Andy

Revels UK Student Comedy Awards with Chortle.co.uk Final

Below is my set as performed at the Revels UK Student Comedy Awards Final.

Harold Shipman: Addict?

After my posting of a Harold Shipman gag yesterday, I was thinking about what he did and what compelled him to do it. He was obviously a sick individual and just became obsessed to the point of addiction with killing off old folk.

It then occurred to me that if this was an addiction – I wondered how it would fit in with other addictions. I know smoking is meant to be more addictive than heroin – but just how addictive is giving a lethal dose of drugs to a pensioner? Less than smoking, but more than chocolate? Perhaps it is the most addictive thing of all and we’re just lucky more people haven’t tried it out of curiosity and become hooked on bumping off the over 70’s.

I wonder if he ever struggled with his addiction like I’ve struggled with giving up cigarettes. Maybe he went for a couple of months – struggling every day and then a particularly stressful day came along when he thought – “I’ll just have a quick one to tide me over – not even a full one, just administer a small non-lethal overdose to the next octogenarian to help get rid of the cravings”. Then before he knew it he was back where he started on 20 a day…

It could have happened.

Perhaps now they should have government warnings – similar to those on cigarette packets - to help those that could potentially slip down the slippery slope like Harold did.

After all, the man was an addict and addicts need all the help they can get.

Quickie 22/08

Here's one of my old jokes I've not done in a couple of years, but I saw an article about the man in question yesterday and thought I could use the old line in my blog, hope you enjoy:

According to a former love interest, apparently Harold Shipman was hung like a horse.

I didn't realise horses tied themselves to the ceiling with a bit of shoe-lace.

Quickie 21/08

It has been pointed out to me that I must be one of the very few comedians in the country that doesn't do any material about sex.

This isn't because I find the subject too blue - or even cliche - I just find it easier to write about what I know.

Quickie 20/08

I was in Curries today when a computer jumped out of nowhere and kicked shit out me.

P.C. gone mad...

Quickie 19/08

There is now over £900,000 in the Madeline McCann appeal.

Which is great news, as now her parents will have no bother affording a babysitter.

Tales from the Circuit

I've picked up a lot of good stories from the comedy circuit and yesterday I found myself recounting a tale involving fellow stand-up and good pal Obie. Thinking about it later, I realised it has never been on the blog, so I feel now is time to include it.

If you've never met the man, you can get a general idea of him by reading my 2 part blog entry on the Wickerman Festival, where we had a brilliant laugh.

So to the story I had in mind:

One day, maybe last year/a couple of years ago, Obie and I were coming back from a gig in Dundee, with Obie driving. He was telling me that he was a bit down, saying things like:

"Andy, I'm feeling pretty depressed. I might just end it all...drive the car in front of a truck or something"

Now it can be quite hard to tell when he's joking, and quite worrying when sitting beside him in the passenger seat, so I just told him everything was cool and it was just a bad mood that would clear up in a couple of days. The conversation ended there and a short while later I must have fallen asleep due to it being the middle of the night.

Obie then pulled into the next lay-by, positioning his car infront of a giant tree, before screaming and lunging forward in his seat.

I woke up instantly, grabbed the side of the car and screamed as I saw this huge tree take up the whole of the windshield...only for me to then realise the car was parked and Obie was doubled up in laughter.

A brilliant practical joke, but also the closest I have ever come to soiling myself in public...

Quickie 17/08

So my home city of Glasgow is bidding to host the Commonwealth games. What a stupid idea, bringing the world's top athletes to the city with Europe's poorest health record. What other completely innapropriate event are they going to have next?

Hot dog eating contest in Malawi.

or

World Sailing Championships in New Orleans & South Yorkshire.

Quickie 16/08

Today a colleague at work told me, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".

I couldn't help but point out this wasn't the case with Christopher Reeve.

A day at The Fringe

Yesterday I spent the day at The Edinburgh Festival. What with work commitments this summer, it looks likt it will be the only time I make it through.

I did 3 shows that evening and also enjoyed some quality banter with the other performers - cheers for making it such a good night!

First up I did Keir McAllister's show "The Comedy Couch Variety", followed by Obie's show "Obie is Maraculous!" and ending with the final of the UK Student comedy awards.

Now I thought this being Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland, the final might have been a home gig for me - how wrong could I have been? The audience must have been around 80% English and I realised being the only Scot on the bill wouldn't be the advantage I was hoping it would - especially since I only had five mates with me.

Nonetheless it was a good gig and a fun room to play. My congratulations to winner, Tom Deacon from Southampton, who thoroughly deserved the night's crown. Although also a special mention to Ed Patrick, who although he didn't end up in the prizes, made me laugh the most out of all the acts on the night.

So that is that - over for another year. But I'll be back with a vengence next year trying to be the only act in the history of the competition to make the final 3 years running.

...Oh, and seeing as I never won - I would like to retract the statement (that I never even made in the first place) and all other associations to me and the word "yummy"...

Quickie 14/08

So reports are out today that kids as young as thirteen are out in the streets fighting each other with knives and guns.

Still, at least they're not sat at home playing video games and watching TV all day...

Quickie 13/08

Today I bought a DVD entitled 'Titanic: Special Edition'.

I assumed "special edition" would be the original plot with disabled actors - but I was let down as it was the same shit film, only longer than usual.

It wasn't a complete disappointment, however, as Leo DiCaprio does sometimes look like he might be retarded.

Quickie 12/08

So this summer was meant to be Britain's hottest summer ever with experts advising the public that now would be a great time to use your savings to buy a boat.

That's if you live in England and wanted to go up your highstreet in it.

Quickie 11/08

This morning I took my dog for a walk.

He burnt the last one making a stir-fry.

It's almost Revels Time (yummy!)

Just to let you all know that the final of the UK Student Comedy Awards is on Tuesday night (14th August) at The Pleasance Ace Dome in Edinburgh. I'll be sure to let you know how I get on and I'll no doubt post the video of my performance when it becomes available.

Just now I am at loggerheads with myself at how to perform this gig, being given only a 5 minute slot to show off my stuff.

Part of me wants to do my darker material - really test the audience and either gain masses of applause, or conversley offend people so much that they leave (this has a big appeal for me as I feel it will make a better story than just doing my set, it going well and that's kind of it).

So with only 5 mins, I think I'm gonna try and shoe-horn all my best bits into one gag laden set, at the expense of the set-ups. It's going to be a gamble, but hopefully it will pay off.

Watch this space.

The difference between comedy & real life

Sometimes I get accused by my friends as coming across on this blog as a nasty person (with jokes like yesterday's one). It upsets a couple of them, as obviously this is a stage persona that I have carried onto this blog as opposed to the real me.

I'd just like to assure readers that when I don't have my 'comedy hat' on, I'm actually an incredibly nice person. For instance, I'll often go round the nightclubs of Glasgow spiking ugly girl's drinks - just to make them feel wanted.

Quickie 08/08

Apparently having a down-syndrome kid isn't as expensive as most people think.

All you need to get for them on your weekly shop is crayons - and that will cover both entertainment and food...

Quickie 07/08

Edinburgh has the dirtiest streets in Scotland with over one third of streets officially classed as "dirty".

While the figure 33% seems high, they still have a long way to go to catch up with the stats for the women of Dundee.

Quickie 06/08

Scotland's tramps did the coutry proud yesterday by winning football's Homeless World Cup. The team lifted the trophy after beating Poland 9-3 in the final.

It was no surprise really, as all their guys were over here playing for us.

Quickie 05/08

Smokers this week have admitted the smoking ban is not as bad as they had feared, with many of them now taking part in "smirting". This is the act of flirting with other smokers while outside a bar or nightclub.

It is not to be confused with "smraping", that tends to only happens at the nightclub Destiny.

A new format

Seeing as how I don't yet have the internet in my new flat and I'm struggling to find the time to continue my usual style of daily blog because of work, I plan on writing "quickies" - just a single joke that maybe takes a few lines. (An idea I have stolen from fellow comedian Mark Nelson - but I had my blog first and he copied me - although he was born first so I suppose I copied him, if you want to go all the way back to who did what first).

Don't worry - the usual stories will still make an appearance, but they'll be interspersed with these new shortened entries.

Overall it means they'll be something for you to read every day.

Hurrah!

Moving out

I have just moved out of my childhood home and into the big bad world of having to care for myself. When I say – “I have just moved out” I am actually still in the process of doing so, considering I am currently living in a flat that has minimal furnishings and no blinds on the windows.

I’ve been wanting to move out for so long, that I now find myself in the situation of being completely bewildered at having finally achieved my goal. I feel like a prisoner, who after years of trying has finally succeeded in getting parole, and now he’s on the outside, he has fuck-all to do. The wait is over, your wish is granted but now there’s nothing to fight for, nothing to look forward to – or possibly more importantly, nothing to moan about.

Apart from the fact I have no blinds.

I’m hoping this change in living arrangements will bring changes elsewhere in my life. Perhaps I’ll be more motivated for university. Perhaps I will take care of my money more and look after my bank balance. Perhaps my new independence will result in a new sense of responsibility. Perhaps my lifestyle will become healthier as I’ll no longer need to buy fast food after a night out. Perhaps I’ll make new grown-up friends and be invited to dinner parties…

Or perhaps I’ll end up watching Columbo all day and drinking more to relieve the boredom of living alone…

Whichever way it goes I’ll be sure to let you know – if I ever get round to installing broadband in the flat.

But I have bigger issues to deal with before that – like getting some damn blinds.

Just Joan - (Just an ignorant old twat)

There are few things in life I find as irritating as the Daily Record’s man-hating, agony aunt, Just Joan. I would rather have to spend a whole day conversing with Hitler than 5 minutes in the company of the self-righteous “I know everything about everything” excuse for a newspaper columnist. (At least Hitler actually maintained the same viewpoint on his issues from week to week – even if by other people’s standards they were slightly unpopular.)

Joan on the other hand seems to fling advice around – contradicting the previous weeks replies by saying almost the opposite to an almost identical letter.

The way she seems to be able to have such a rigid viewpoint on a specific situation when the letter sent in was less than 100 words long is beyond me. It would be like judging people on Big Brother after only watching 5minutes of the show (oh wait…I have done that on several occasions, however I’m still adamant that they are all twats).

Yesterday’s letter was a prime example of why I think Joan is a moron. My main gripe about her, is her opinion that seems to believe that every man is a nothing more than a sex-offender waiting to happen, wanting nothing more from women than to force them into intercourse.

You will understand what I mean after you read this transcript – it’s actually pretty funny in its own right, but Joan’s final comment is so ludicrous and unrelated I feel it shows up what a stupid cow she actually is. Here goes:

-------------------------------------------------------------

Question: I MET a guy in a pub and, as we really clicked, when he asked me if I would go back to his flat with him, I agreed.

Believe me, I have NEVER done anything like that before.

We went to bed and it was great. I really felt I had found the man of my dreams. Then the door burst open and this other girl flew at me.

She threw me half-naked out the house and chucked the rest of my clothes after me.

It was 3am and I had to walk home. I've since found out the guy set me up to make her jealous.

But now she's telling everyone I am a tart who would go with anyone.

What do I do?

Answer: NOTHING. The less you say the better. Folk will soon forget it and move on to the next 'scandal.'

Either that or you turn it into a funny story. You also make sure it doesn't happen again by never going off with a total stranger.

You were lucky you only had to face an enraged woman - it could have been a rapist.

------------------------------------------------------------------

What the hell does she mean it could have been a rapsit?! Does she mean that when this girl was having sex with the guy – an angry rapist could have burst in? What does rape have to do with anything this letter has been about?

Just Joan does my fucking nut in. I swear she really should be replaced by someone who isn’t so set in her ways and intent on turning every story into one about rape (I have friends that also have this quirk – although it’s usually not intended in the same way).

I really, really can’t stand her and her idiotic views, although I suppose her column isn't all that bad, it could have be worse – it could have been a rapist.

Wickerblog - Part 2

I awoke on Saturday morning in a stiflingly hot tent and went outside to sit and recover from the previous night. None of the other guys were up yet so I spent about an hour propped in my chair feeling sorry for myself and my internal organs.

After a while the rest of the guys got up and were all equally as rough as I was. This was when Obie produced the only useful thing he had brought to the festival (with the exception of the lantern) – wet wipes.

He gave himself a good scrub down before offering them around the group so we could all give our hands and faces a good clean.

Mark, Obie and Martin then disappeared to get some food and Chris and I moved all the chairs inside as it had started to rain. As I was lifting Obie’s chair I noticed the packet of wipes lying on it and was slightly intruiged as to why there was a giant picture of a toilet on the front. After more inspection, I saw they were titled: “TOILET WIPES” and on the back gave instructions upon how to use them to clean a toilet. That’s right folks, Obie had unintentionally given us all toilet cleaning equipment to wash our hands and faces. This was made even more hilarious by the giant warning on the back that proclaimed: “WASH HANDS AFTER USE”.

If he’s using toilet cleaner to wash himself, I wonder what he uses to cook with or what he puts in his dishwasher…

We sat that afternoon drinking in the tent and gibbering inane nonsense, when I mentioned a Charlie Brooker article I’d read about the fact he is so ignorant about the world he didn’t actually know what rice was. Obie found this hilarious, repeating the words “What is rice” over and over while collapsing in fits of laughter. This led to many occasions in the evening when Obie would say in the company of strangers “Andy, do the rice joke.” And all I could reply with was “What is rice?” suffice to say this didn’t have the hilarious effects it had had earlier. In fact, fellow comedian Andy Sir just looked at us and said “It’s a grain” – totally ruining the moment. Damn him and his knowledge.

We went round to see the Proclaimers before doing our show and Chris & Mark spent most of the time standing amongst the crowd yelling “Do that song about Walking” –as we all know the Proclaimers have 3 songs and this is probably the one that most people know.

The gigs that night went really well, each of us doing a 30 minute stint with Mark up first, then myself then Obie (it was nice to have Mark supporting me for a change…the way I have always known that it should be).

The crowd was a weird mix of hippies, drunkards, families and abandoned children. It was a top night, where I used my favourite response to a heckle ever. Some guy wandered into the tent and shouted some garbled nonsense at me before I turned round and proclaimed:
“Can’t you see that heckling me won’t bring back your apples?!”

About half the audience pissed themselves and the other half looked at me as if I was a mentalist. I must remember that line in case I ever do another gig at a venue related to the Wickerman movie.

Top line of the night in my opinion was Obie talking to a group of kids about masturbating, before getting the youngster to stand up and saying:
“A big hand for the wee wanker.”
Was hilarious and I’m certain the only time that I will ever see a situation like it.

He then finished off his set, but the crowd were enjoying it so much he got out his notebook to test-drive some new jokes. He read through a couple of ideas before saying:
“New Mortgages – 0870590674…that’s not funny, I just need a new mortgage so I wrote the number in my notebook”
Again – this is classic Obie – pure genius.

We then went to the backstage area where the guys were given cheese and biscuits when I used one of the clean “artists toilets” – just as well, as I had left the toilet wipes at the campsite.

It was then off to the burning of the Wickerman and another night of mayhem followed that involved drinking, dancing, dodgems, waltzers and various other random activities. We left the following day feeling suitably worn out.

A cracking weekend.

Wickerblog - Part 1

So I am just back from playing the Wickerman Festival. Here is a quick rundown of some of the stuff that happened on the Firday – Saturday will be tomorrow’s post. I was there with both Mark Nelson and Chris Prigg, so I’m sure anything I’ve missed out will be included in their blog.

The three of us left Glasgow after stocking up with all the camping essentials – ie. £80 of booze and a sandwich that we probably wouldn’t eat.

The journey down was pleasant enough, however we were a wee bit rushed for time, arriving at just after 8.15pm when I was meant to be on stage at 9. We hurriedly put up the tent and then ran to do our gig – I split the 30mins I was meant to do that night with Mark - and we went down pretty well.

We went back to the tent to find Obie and his mate Martin had arrived, with an 8-man tent for just the 2 of them. TIP – If bringing an obscenely large tent to a music festival, try to get to the campsite early – NOT 35 hours after the gates open, you may have trouble finding a space to put it.

Now when I say “you”, what I actually mean is “myself & Martin” as Obie fucked off to do his gig, leaving us two to put up an 8-man tent with no instructions, in the dark. It wasn’t totally in the dark – Obie had brought a lantern – one of the two things he actually brought – the other being wipes and there will be more of that story tomorrow.

When we were putting up this tent, a couple of security guards walked past and we ended up talking to them, sharing a beer and then arranging to be allowed into the festival with as much booze as we wanted to bring…result!

So the tent properly erected and everyone having finished their gigs – the five of us had a drink round the tents with what was basically an army of UpFront guards – top notch lads – before we set-off to explore the various tents.

We wandered round between the tents in a drunken stupor. I think we actually kept walking around in circles – visiting each tent before moving onto the next one without realising we’d been in it before.

In one tent there were 5 tree stumps in a circle and with there being 5 of us, it was too much of a coincidence to not stand on them and do pretty much nothing. Obie left his stump for a couple of minutes to get a beer and when he returned a young woman had taken his place, balancing deftly while sipping at a Bacardi Breezer. Now Obie did what anyone in his position would do if you returned to your log to find it occupied – he rugby tackled her.

She flew about 6 feet backwards and the two of them landed in the mud. I don’t think I’d laughed at any of the comedy as much as I laughed at that – it was brilliant.

We made a quick exit and visited a few more tents before heading back to the campsite for some more high-jinks.

The rest of the night is pretty much a blur – I can remember laughing a lot and also spending a lot of time on the floor.

Not bad for a day that I was technically “working”.

Sharing the knowledge

Yesterday I went round to Kirsty’s to help her sister with some maths – none of which I really remember. (When I say “remember”, I possibly mean “recognise” or perhaps even “learnt in the first place”).

Nonetheless, we struggled through and I like to think, made some headway. In fact I was pretty pleased with the outcome and surprised myself with how much I was able to remember correctly and pass on to my young padawan.

This made me think that I might be good at teaching. Maybe not in a classroom situation – but possibly on a one to one tutoring basis where I could attempt to share the knowledge I have gathered with people learning it for the first time.

Sounds like an ideal job – and it probably would be if the students I worked with were all going to be as easy going and intelligent as Gill – but in reality you would open yourself up to being approached by all sorts of mentalists.

Dealing with morons/trouble makers/ idiots in a comedy club is now something I can deal with and deal with pretty well after years of Mac Star gigs, however on a one to one basis where I had some position of responsibility – other than being trusted to hold a microphone – is a totally different matter.

It wouldn’t be long before I told someone that couldn’t grasp the concept of differention that they should apply for a media studies course instead, or replied to some smart assed remark with a strategically placed heckler style put-down – only for them to run off crying to their mother while I end up being promptly fired.

I guess teaching, like so many other good careers, just isn’t for me.

I suppose I’m just going to have to keep writing jokes and swearing at drunks instead…what a waste of a private education…

The big question about the new iPhone

I was browsing the paper on my way to work when I came across an article about the new iPhone. But rather than a technical appraisal of Apple’s most recent telecommunications device, the piece centred around a website that asked the question (that I’m sure is on everyone’s lips):

“Will it blend?”

Basically the sole purpose of this site is to see whether objects will blend in a traditional kitchen blender. You can watch the video of this fascinating subject here.

Why anyone would want to blend their new iPhone is beyond me – however, for publicity of the website – it really is working (I for one am spreading the word here).

I, and I am speaking purely for myself here, don’t ever take into account an object’s blendability when I am thinking of making a purchase and I can’t think of anyone that would.

Perhaps it would appeal to a starving family that would be safe in the knowledge that if all the food in the village runs out – they could blend and consume their telephone/MP3 player. Although this begs the question, “What the hell were they buying an iPhone for when they can’t afford to eat?”

My guess is that it’s an image thing.

It would, of course, be infinitely cooler to have an iPhone than several bags of rice – especially if it were one of the sleek black models.

And while you could consume the rice – you certainly couldn’t make a telephone call or listen to Bruce Springsteen Live in Dublin on it. Whereas the iPhone can suit both purposes – although you could only eat it once.

Further research on the topic will show that this guy has blended many things, ranging from golf clubs to automobile parts. He’s quoted as saying – “Whenever I get something new I always wonder ‘Will it blend?’.”

Let’s just hope he never has a baby.

And if he does, he remembers to put the lid on. It could get awfully messy.

Fictional Arrangements

The other day I was sitting in my house after a pretty tiring day at work, watching some under20’s football on Sky Sports. I was getting up to make some tea, when my phone rang, it was my friend Kirsty and the conversation went something like this:

K – Hey!

A – Hi, how are you?

K – Good. Are you inside?

Now, although a reasonably strange question, I still answered.

A – Yeah

K – Cool, I’ll see you in five minutes.

A – You’ll see me…? What are you talking about?

K – Yeah very funny, I’m on my way round.

A – You’re where?

K – Just round the corner from Tusk.

For those unaware, Tusk is a bar in Shawlands, about a twenty minute walk from my house. I wracked my brains trying to remember if I had made any plans and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember ever making any arrangements.

A – Eh, Kirst, I am still in my house.

K – What! You’re going to be so late – did you forget?

A – No I was never informed in the first place…right…give me 25mins and I’ll see you there.

So I rushed upstairs, got ready, bombed out the house and made it in time to meet my friend.

I really have no recollection of making these plans – which she informed me I had made the previous night – so it’s not likely I would have forgotten. The more I think about this – the more I am certain she made it up, possibly dreamt it or possibly was bored and wanted to go out – knowing that this tactic would make me feel guilty about “forgetting” and thus force a tired me into going out instead of sleeping.

It’s a tactic I may use in the future when needing someone to go out with – although most of my friends (Chris especially) would just tell me to fuck off…I, on the other hand, am just too nice.

So upon meeting Kirsty at the bar, we ordered some wine and had a conversation about how the situation had arisen, a conversation that the barman was also listening to in parts.

The conversation started:

K- Andy you’re so late

A – Yeah but I had no idea of this meeting!

K – You’re still late though

And the line he picked up and caused him to laugh out loud was:

“But I came really quickly – surely you were pleased with that?”

When paying for our drinks the barman gave me a smile – possibly out of pity.

New Steve & Dave

Click the image to enlarge

There is a new Steve & Dave posted every Saturday, so be sure to check back.

To see previous Steve & Dave strips click on the label at the bottom of the post.

Steve & Dave

Click the image to enlarge

There is a new Steve & Dave posted every Saturday, so be sure to check back.

To see previous Steve & Dave strips click on the label at the bottom of the post.

This Summer's Blockbusters

I went to the cinema recently to see Zodiac – what a movie! I urge everyone that reads this to go and see it now!

No…stop reading…go now! I MEAN RIGHT NOW! You can read the rest of this post later…

So how was it? I can answer that for you…”brilliant”.

Unfortunately, having seen the trailers for the rest of the films coming out this summer I am led to believe that Zodiac won’t be surpassed when it comes to quality.

Although, that’s not to say I’m not looking forward to this summer’s offering for cinema-goers.

One film I’ll definitely go to see is Transformers the movie. I remember weeks spent as a child at Centre Parks watching nothing but the animated series. I seem to recall the televisions there having only one channel that showed only Transformers and My Little Pony – when people say TV was better when they were a kid are simply liars.

I can remember watching Transformers and being amazed at robots that turned into planes, cars and ultimate fighting machines – but there were also some pretty useless ones out there as well, such as Soundwave.

Soundwave was one of the bad guys – a pretty terrifying, massive robot that transformed into…wait for it…a cassette deck. While all his evil brothers were out waging war and wreaking havock on civilisation, all he would be able to do was play some suitably terrifying music in the background. I wonder if he was bullied at school? Perhaps having the ability to transform into a radio (something that transformers with the ability to turn into cars would have as a simple built in accessory) was the Decepticon equivalent of being ginger.

But the good-guys also had their fair share of daft Transformers – a prime example being Perceptor. The robot that could turn into a microscope. That’s right – a microscope. And this microscope was bloody massive – possibly not so good at seeing small things – just making huge things even bigger. Being a writer for the show must have been a nightmare when having to write this guy into the script. The story lines you would have to come up with would be so contrived…“The world will end unless someone can accurately recite a long lost magic spell written in Times New Roman sized 2 font…surely all is lost…No wait – get Perceptor!”

It might sound shite, but it’s still better than Big Brother…

Fascinating Returns (12A)

And so after a long spell in the wilderness – my blog has returned. (Did you see what I did with the title? Similar to Batman Returns? No, of course you didn’t, it was far too contrived).

I am at odds on whether to try and back-date all the entries I have missed or whether just to start afresh, although this would mean some of the hilarious moments over the past six weeks will be lost forever…we shall see what happens.

So what’s been happening since my last post? A fuck-load actually!

I’ve been busy gigging recently, doing a load of new material, so I’ll let you know how that’s been going in the coming entries.

Regular readers will know that I enjoy my TV and it had been my intention to write about what’s currently being screened on the box. But one thing has put paid to that…fucking Wimbledon.

I hate Wimbledon.

I have been down once before and I basically spent the whole day praying that it wouldn’t rain. Not because I wanted to see any tennis (which I hate), it was because I hate Cliff Richard even fucking more.

I guess the main reason Wimbledon pisses me off so much is that it is home for a month to the biggest group of moronic idiots, wearing Union Jack apparel and talking of nothing but Tim Henman (Britain’s biggest failure since the 1665 attempt at a cure for the plague).

All the attractive young women down there absolutely love him – which has always puzzled me as I imagine sex with him would be terrible, seeing as he can never get past a semi…

So with television pretty much out of action until the tennis nonsense is over, I have been spending more time watching movies and reading film magazines, which leads me to my next topic…

Possibly, the greatest news is that Indianna Jones IV is in production. For me, this has been a longer, more anticipated wait than that of a small African village waiting for the next Red Cross delivery.

The fourth film intrigues me a lot as I do not know anything of the plot. In the first film they had the Ark of the Covenant, the second had the Sacred Stones, the third was the Holy Grail and now, in this film, it’s Harrison Ford that’s the ancient relic.

...And yes…the reason for this resurgence in blogging is Mark Nelson called me a tool…which I am not…I’ll show him…

An open apology

Sorry for the recent absence of posts. I have had exams, been in Berlin and recently started a new job.

This site will be back up and running in the next few days - so please check back!

In the meantime, I am now a contributer to Short Short Stories, a page where myslef and Chris Prigg attempt to tear ourself away from the comedy genre and write short stories. The topic can be anything, the only criterion is that it must be under 400 words. I hope you enjoy.

Strongbow...

Due to downloading most of my television these days, I tend not to see too many adverts, however I include one I saw recently below:



The above advert is for Strongbow cider – a drink I haven’t had in a good couple of years.

There are a couple of problems with this advert that I find pretty annoying.

Firstly, the drink is meant to be portrayed as refreshing, however while in the trance after savouring his drink, the guy misses a goal. Surely going down the pub with his mates to watch the football match was the main reason he was there in the first place. Now he’s just missed one of the most important parts of the game...not the best advertising slogan – “Drink Strongbow and you’ll miss all the goals”…

Secondly, his mates are half-way through their pints, while the Strongbow man has had only one sip. This difference in speed of drinking would completely fuck-up any round buying system that you and your mates had going on.

Moral of the story…stick to lager. Or if you fancy cider, drink a nice one – such as Magners.

New Steve & Dave

New Steve & Dave Part 5...

Click on the above image to see it full size.

Remeber a new Steve & Dave will be posted every Saturday - so please check back in the future.

Also, click the underlined Steve & Dave link at the bottom of this post to see all previous Steve & Dave strips.

A large gathering

I was walking to university the other day when I passed through Royal Exchange Square and noticed a large group of people standing looking at a group of police officers.

My first thought was there had been a murder and this may be quite exciting to watch. My mind wandered through dozens of possibilities and I started to hope that a Lieutenant Columbo figure would turn up in a battered Peugeot convertible, sucking on a cigar, muttering to himself about tying up loose ends.

This obviously was not going to be the case, and as I looked a little closer I realised that the police were just standing around, waiting outside one of the shops next to some very expensive looking black cars.

There were now two possibilities – one, that a very rich person was out shopping and had hired a squad of policemen to guard his mega-expensive cars when he went about his business. It is the centre of Glasgow after all and you can never be too careful when it comes to car crime.

Or, more likely, that a famous person was visiting the city and the police were there to provide personal protection.

I turned to the guy stood next to me and asked him what was going on. He said that he had no idea. I then asked the two young ladies to his right and again, they had no answer. I then asked the old couple that were behind me and they told me that they had seen a large crowd and joined it to see what was happening – once again, they had no idea.

I started wondering just how large a crowd had to be before people join it without and reason. Obviously one is not enough, or else crowds would form every time someone stopped in the street, but it was an interesting phenomenon.

After asking about ten more people – none of whom could shed any light on the situation – I walked up to one of the policemen and asked him what was going on.

His reply was that it was a Royal visit and Princess Anne was in one of the shops.

I returned to my original position and told the guy, girls and everyone around what I had found out.

The guy’s response was – “Oh fuck that!” and he wandered away, annoyed that he had wasted five minutes on such a trivial matter.

After 30 seconds, the area where I had been previously standing was totally empty.

I guess Royal visits aren’t as special as they used to be. I certainly didn’t hang around for a glimpse of someone I couldn’t care less about.

The initial excitement about who was inside the shop was over and I wondered who would have been exciting enough to hang about to see.

My conclusion was – anyone but Princess Anne.

Fuck it; I’m sure most of the crowd would have stayed if I had told them that it had been one of the Proclaimers...

...though maybe not the idiot Socialist one - the other one...the clever one...

Sunshine

Yesterday I went to the cinema with my girlfriend, Claire, to see Sunshine. The reason for this choice of film was that it was the only film we could see while still being able to make our restaurant reservation in time.

It’s been a long time since I saw a film that I thought was rubbish – but this was one of them.

Nothing about the plot made any sense at all.

A brief synopsis is as follows – The sun is dying and mankind needs to fix it. They have the brilliant plan of flying a nuclear bomb into the middle of the sun and detonating it, thus regenerating the giant star and everyone can continue their lives in peace.

This plot just prompts so many questions – which must have come up when the film-makers originally pitched their ideas to the studio. I imagine the conversation going something like this, (with ‘S’ standing for Studio and ‘F’ for film-makers):

S - So, how will this ship fly that close to the sun without burning up?

F- Well, they have this big shield in front of the craft made of sun-resistant metal…yeah…that should work…

S - Why will one nuclear bomb make any difference, when the sun is the equivalent of a fusion reactor with millions of hydrogen bombs being detonated per second?

F - It just will and we won’t really explain it properly…

S - Surely the bit where the two guys travel through space with no suits is just impossible?

F – Well, we will wrap them in some tin-foil like stuff; the audience will surely let us away with it if we make the material shiny enough…shiny things in sci-fi always works

S – Hmmm, I’m not really sure this film is what we’re looking for. I mean, the idea of the sun exploding and killing everyone in the galaxy just isn’t scary enough…

F – What if we add in a bit about a crazy guy running amok with a scalpel trying to kill everyone…basically we will just copy and merge together the premise from the films Armageddon and Alien very, very poorly.

S – Well, they were very successful movies. Are we talking about just a regular guy with a scalpel? That’s not very scary.

F – What if the guy has no skin?

S – Deal.

And from that, Sunshine was born. Actually it probably didn’t happen that way. I have credited them with having a conversation and thinking about the many plot holes in the movie…this clearly couldn’t have happened.

We should have just stayed in the house and watched some Babylon 5.

Magic...A kind of blog

Last week I went to see a Queen tribute concert at The Eastwood Theatre (a massive venue where all the big people play…such as primary school talent shows and retarded kids doing Shakespeare).

I had seen this band before, about six years ago in The Pavillion Theatre in the centre of Glasgow. I remember this gig being great, with the sell-out crowd constantly on their feet singing along to absolutely every song.

It was therefore a bit of a disappointment when my friend Oliek and I turned up to find the theatre just over half-full. Not only was there a small crowd – but a lot of the audience were young children – probably between the ages of 5 and 12. Perhaps they had mixed up the dates for their tribute acts and turned up to a Queen gig when instead they were here to see Gary Glitter.

The bands name is “Magic…A Kind of Queen”. A very clever name you would have to agree, what with the song, album and tour of 1985 being called “Queen…A Kind Of Magic”.

The same guys also do an E.L.O. (Electric Light Orchestra) tribute where they are called – “Magic…A Kind of E.L.O.”

This doesn’t work at all.

Anyway, the first half of the gig was pretty flat, so when it came to the half-time interval, Oliek and I decided to hit the bar in an attempt to loosen up a bit for the second half.

On bottle of beer and four aftershocks later the show had started again and the audience participation was in full-flow…even if there were only two of us singing along. In reality there might have been – but I was so aftershocked up I didn’t really care.

And who ever said they didn’t need alcohol to have a good time – in this instance it helped immensely!

A gap in blogging...

As my introduction states at the top of this page – “I am inherently lazy”.

Those of you that have checked the blog in the last five days will have noticed that I haven’t posted at all. I wish I had a good reason for this. The best I can do is that I had a bit of coursework for uni (this was done in one night) and my Babylon 5 complete collection eventually arrived from Amazon. Not really the sort of stuff that prevents me taking 20 minutes a day to post on the internet…

So firstly, you have my apologies. While I may pretend to be as good as Richard Herring when it comes to posting a blog entry every day, I clearly am not. (Although in fairness, Richard doesn’t always post every single day – I am sure I have seen him post twice in one day…this however is obviously better than the five entries I am back dating at the moment…)

A reasonable amount has happened – which you can now read all about.

One big development is the start of Mark Nelson’s blog. Mark won the Scottish Comedian of the Year contest for 2006/7 and is currently one of the hottest bits of comedy property on the stand-up market. Go check out his blog – if it’s as good as his stand-up (which from the first few entries, I can say it is) then its going to be a great read.

Let’s just hope Mark can do a wee bit better than me when it comes to posting regularly every day.

This won’t happen again…I promise…well, maybe when the next Columbo box-set is released, but extenuating circumstances permitting…

House Parties

So I was reading the newspaper the other day and came across the excellent story about the girl in Tyne & Wear that had a house party when her parents were away on holiday.

Now this is nothing new – I had the occasional party when I was a teenager, when I had an empty.

However, this girl had a skins party. For those not aware of what a skins party is, it is a gathering of people that have the sole intention of drinking/smoking/shagging while doing as much damage to the venue as possible.

Now while I have attended parties that have transcended into this – the host certainly didn’t start off with the intention of ruining their property.

What makes the story even better is that the girl advertised the party on MYSPACE – basically inviting anyone, anywhere to come round to her home and break some valuables.

If I ever went to one of these parties, I could see myself taking the flat screen TV for my own front room rather than smashing it against the wall…some would say I just am not all that fun anymore…

In the end there was over £20,000 worth of damage done after all items were broken and carpets and walls urinated/defecated upon. I wish I had been there when her parents arrived home and she had tried to explain her way out of it. This situation would be hard to blame on the dog (although not impossible with the correct manipulation of events).

Apparently she has left home and is surprisingly no longer on speaking terms with her mum – who coincidently, wants her arrested.

Now I remember being rebellious as a teenager – but the extent of my rebellion was getting drunk at the weekends, starting smoking and I recall once telling my dad to “fuck off”. Extremely tame in comparison to Rachel Bell.

Looks like even though I’m only just in my twenties, I really am out of touch with the youth of today…

So Bored...(Part II)

Thanks very much to Mark and Cam for their reply to my text message experiment.

I was wondering Cam, if you could analyse Chris’ reply in a similar manner you did to mine? I posted it a couple of days ago, here.

Other responses I had were

“Have you been eating those orange fruit pastilles again?” – Steven D

“No more drugs for you” – Kenny M

“Whats that all about Andy?” – John L

“What the fuck Andy?” – Scott M

“What the fuck was that list?” – Peter A

“You really are bored, eh!?!?” – Hannah B

and

“Your kids names? I’m really looking forward to meeting Tankard!” – Ruth J

This blog entry has taken 2 minutes 6 seconds and has been extremely easy to write – I should get my friends to write my blogs for me more often…

New Steve & Dave

Today's Steve & Dave

Click in the above image to see it full size

Remeber that a new Steve & Dave will be released every Saturday.

To see all the Steve & Dave's click on the underlined 'Steve & Dave' link at the bottom of this post.

Sayings

On stage recently, I have been talking about the sayings that people use and just how stupid they are when looked at literally.

For instance, at school whenever sport’s day came around, the teacher would announce to the class that competing would be compulsory and it was “not the winning, but the taking part that counts.”

By that same logic anyone who knows anything about history would have to agree with me when I say – “Fuck the Swiss, at least the Nazis got into the spirit of things”…

The reason I bring the topic of sayings up is because during a conversation yesterday, someone said to me “the grass is always greener on the other side”.

Now, for me, this saying is the worst metaphor ever that is still constantly used.

The whole point of a metaphor is to make a comparison between one event (the one that is happening) to another that you can easily relate to in order to better understand the situation (the made up scenario).

I have never been interested in the colour of grass.

In fact, when I have a family and home with its own front lawn, I reckon that if I am going to be bitter, it will be because my neighbour has a BMW in his drive way and I have a Volkswagen.

Perhaps it will annoy me that he has a huge widescreen TV with surround sound while I still have the portable TV that used to be in my parents’ kitchen. I can imagine being extremely jealous when looking out the window and seeing that my neighbour’s wife is younger and better looking than mine. There are potentially millions of things that would fill me with envy before I moved to looking at the grass.

In fact, if your number one concern is how green your neighbour’s grass is – I reckon you probably have it pretty good.

Perhaps my opinions will change as I grow older. However, I am fairly confident that I will never longingly look over the fence to the garden next door and feel aggrieved at my lawn’s pitiful chlorophyll definition…

Talking in blogs

Following from yesterday’s post about my text message – the second text I received was from best friend and fellow blogger Chris.

I felt it was slightly scary that he replied in exactly the same way that I would have replied to receiving the text message in question. He wrote:

“Death
Margarine
Egg
Mud
Fart
Card
Is there any reason why we are saying random words?”

Now obviously, when I say that I would have replied exactly the same way – I mean I would have replied with six other random words – not the exact same words that Chris used. That would be frightening.

Perhaps it is a blog thing that causes us to think the same way. Posting every single day does change the way that you live your life.

For instance, whenever in conversation with someone or out in a social situation you are always thinking “maybe I could use this in my blog”.

In fact, I was pointing out to Chris the other day that we managed to have a conversation that was made up almost entirely out of an exchange of monologues. Essentially, we were unwittingly “talking in blogs”. Each of us were basically taking it in turns to do a 45 second spiel and then allowing the other to retort with a similar blog style reply…

What is happening to me?!

So bored...

I don’t think I have ever been as bored in my whole life as I was the other night.

I literally couldn’t find anything to do. I ended up sending the following text message to 20 random members of my phonebook:

“Coal
Badger
Nectarine
Tankard
Violin
Hallibut”

I think part of the reason was I wanted to see what replies I would get – although part of it was just a desperate attempt to get any reply from anyone to alleviate some of the boredom.

I’m going to post some of the replies I got as some of them really did make me laugh.

Thanks to all of you who replied to my random message, I hope you don’t mind me using your reply in this blog.

To those that didn’t reply – I have absolutely no problem of naming and shaming you as rubbish…

Andy R
Emma T
Jo M
Kirsty S
Mark N
Michael A
Molly R
Ross H
Ruth G.

The first person to get back to me was my friend Hannah, who replied:

“Shopping list?”

Leave a comment with how you would have replied (if at all) to this random text. Otherwise I shall add you to the “rubbish list”...

5-a-side football

Every Monday I play five-a-side football with a bunch of guys down at the local pitches.

This may surprise some of you, as:
a) I haven’t mentioned this before, and
b) Football seems a bit too exertive for me.

To clear this up, the rest of my Mondays have all been exciting enough that a game of football with the same 9 guys every week wasn’t the most exhilarating thing that I did that day…it turns out, however, this Monday, it was. As a result, it is the only thing I have to write about.

And secondly, as far as the question of my fitness goes, I play in goals. I like to think this is because I am good at it, as opposed to just being lazy.

Perhaps the reason I am good at it, is because I am lazy.

It perhaps is a sort of natural self-defence mechanism. Such as a tortoise has a shell to protect itself as it is not very fast, I am good in goals so I don’t have to play outfield and exert myself too much.

Yesterday, however, I decided to play half the game as an outfielder.

I’m now too tired to even complete this post.

Watching the Masters

Last night, I watched the U.S. Masters on the BBC.

I have been a fan of golf for some time, being quite a competent player when I was younger, however, I haven’t played in about 3 years now, owing to the fact that I can no longer afford membership fees. I consider this a real shame.

Other sports that I am particularly fond of are snooker and darts.

Yes, all my favourite sports can be played while drinking and smoking.

However, golf had the advantage of being the only sport you can play outside and pretend that you are getting some exercise while also powering your way through cigarettes and alcohol (well I say ‘only’, there’s obviously the high-jump).

To spice up all the major golfing events, I tend to put a few quid on some of my favourite players at the bookies. This year, my selections weren’t doing too well at all, with the exception of Rory Sabbatini.

On the final day, he was playing pretty well and managed to get into the clubhouse with a final score of +3. At the time, this was the best score of any player that had completed the tournament.

There was however one player, Zach Johnson, still on the course at +1, and with every shot he hit I was hoping against hope that the ball went in the water/behind a tree/in a bunker, basically anything that meant he could throw away a two shot lead in 3 holes.

When I look back at this incident, I realise that I wanted some young American man to ruin the biggest moment of his entire life so that I could win £32…

I’m a bastard, ain’t I?...

Comedy At The State

Last night I went to the relaunch of the comedy gig at The State Bar on Holland Street.

It is basically the same set-up as before (ie. a comedy gig in the basement room), however it is now very inventively named 'Comedy At The State'. Wonder how long it took to come up with that?

The reason for this relaunch is that the comedy night's previous organiser, Fran Healey (no, not the guy from Travis) is away off now to play some absolute bitch in River City (yes...River City, who the fuck needs Travis when you have that!)

Obviously I want to wish Fran the best of luck in her new role (she must be a good actress as she is one of the nicest women I know, playing one of the most horrible characters I've ever seen).

Anyway, the crowd last night was small, but they enjoyed the various acts on offer and the whole night can be deemed a success (I was quite glad I wasn't on in front of such a lovely small crowd as no doubt I would not have left the stage until I had offended each and every one of them...if you're like me, this would hav been very entertaining...yet probably not appropriate at what turned out to be such a friendly show).

If you live in Glasgow, there's comedy at The State Bar every Saturday night from around 8.30pm, I think it's a fiver and its certainly worth the money.

If you want to catch me there - I'll be playing The State on the 12th May and 23rd June.

New Steve & Dave

Today's Steve & Dave,

Click on the above image to see it full size.

The reason Dave is late will be revealed in next week's strip - so check back!

To see all the Steve & Dave's click on the underlined 'Steve & Dave' link at the bottom of this post.

Plays - How cultured...

Today I went to The Oran Mor with my friend Hannah to see a play (my God aren’t we just so cultured)…obviously the play wasn’t the only reason I went – there was also a pie and a pint involved. Fuck it; if they throw in a couple of cigars I might even consider the opera.

The play we went to see, was entitled Metrosexual and was written by a friend of mine, Sandy Nelson. I really enjoyed it and if you get the chance to catch it – you really should.

After the play finished, Hannah & I were sat outside in the beer garden, when a Big Issue seller came round the tables looking for some business.

No one felt generous enough to purchase a copy, but everyone was friendly enough to indulge him in some chat. The best of which occurred at the table across from us where there was a large group that had left their shopping and bags on the seats at the table behind them.

The Big Issue guy then advised them not to leave their stuff there as some unscrupulous deviant may decide to procure it for themselves*.

The whole situation struck me as very amusing. I am certain no one else in the vicinity thought for a second that their bags were in danger; however this guy (clearly a seasoned pro when it comes to bag thievery) started warning everyone.

Perhaps this was because he had now turned over a new leaf and didn’t want people getting their goods stolen – or perhaps he didn’t want his bag thieving competitors to benefit from the easy targets he couldn’t touch as he was selling magazines.

I’m sure either is possible, however due to prejudice I’d like to think it’s the latter – it makes a funnier story.

*I think his actual words were “Dinnae leave that shite there, some fucker will be aff wi’ it.”

Reading the papers

I was on the train, going to a gig in Edinburgh last week. Being bit bored and with no signal on my phone to harass my friends with text messages, I found myself a copy of the Metro.

For those that don’t know – The Metro is a free “newspaper” given out on all public transport in Glasgow and Edinburgh. It is basically pretty badly written/laid out and if it had a slogan, would be:

“YESTERDAY’S NEWS (and other uninteresting stories) TODAY”

I have posted an image of the front page, which states

“Doctors: Don’t let under-21s buy drink”

That is terrible advice, how often have you gone to your GP’s for a bottle of wine?

If you’re that drunk you are trying to buy alcohol from a doctor – I reckon you shouldn’t be allowed to buy ANY more drink…whether you’re 21 or not.

A very lazy day

I was out last night for Chris’ birthday. He just turned 22 yesterday.

After a mad night, we ended up back at Chris’ flat watching a Richard Herring DVD, until Chris said he was going to the toilet and never came back downstairs. I like to think he had fallen in the bath…again…

As a result of last night, I’ve been taking today extremely easy. To my absolute delight, I awoke around 1230 to find that there were two episodes of Columbo on that haven’t yet been released on DVD (that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen them before – don’t be ridiculous!) and that took me up nicely to 5.30pm.

My plans for tonight are equally exciting (now you may read that previous sentence and mistake my genuine feeling of exhilaration as a sarcastic comment, I assure it is not) as channel 5’s Baseball is back on our screens (the ‘our’ in that sentence referring to other weird people like me that have their TV on from 1.30am til around 5am to watch a game where people try to hit a ball with a stick).

I first started watching baseball due to the strange hours that result from being a comic, where I frequently get home from a gig in the dead of night, still full of adrenaline and needing something to do.

However, it is now the case that I enjoy it so much I watch it whenever it is on. This really doesn’t help me get up in time for uni, or for work during the summer months.

I curse the damn time-zone thing this world has got going on. Maybe if God had taken his time - maybe taken 8 days instead of rushing the whole creation process in 7 - then I wouldn't have this problem and I could watch baseball at normal hours...

Out With Spike

I have two dogs, Rocky, a one year old Border Terrier and Spike, a five year old Black Labrador.

Today’s story is about Spike (pictured), I will chat about Rocky another day.

Spike is a lovely dog – a bit stupid, but so loving and friendly that in a fight, he not only wouldn’t fight back, he also wouldn’t run away for fear of offending his aggressor. He has a heart of gold.

But he is a terrible thief.

I can’t let him off the lead in a park (no matter what its size) if there are kids playing football. Spike will no doubt make a bee-line straight for them, steal the ball and burst it. At which point, the fun seems to be over, so he runs back to me on the other side of the park.

Now for a thief, this isn’t an amazing talent. If only I could teach him to steal handbags or jewellery – then I would have a potentially profitable situation that I could blame on my dog and deny all knowledge of.

Instead all I have is a shed full of footballs. All of which are burst.

Anyway, to my main story that happened the other day…

I was walking with Spike around Newlands Park in the late evening, when we came across a group of youths sitting on one of the benches, drinking cider out of plastic bottles.

Spike, being as friendly as he is, decided to go and say hello (I think he was also angling for some cider), with no reservations about approaching neds in the park.

As Spike approached, one of the females in the group got up and ran towards him, patting him and motioning all her friends over. When I arrived, she told me of her knowledge and love of dogs before proclaiming:

“I know everything about dogs. Is he a Labrador?”

I was quite surprised that she had got this correct and said that he was, to which she looked round at all her friends, quite chuffed at this display of intelligence before then saying:

“Is he a black one?”

Whatever notions had been built up about her broad general knowledge were smashed in seconds, as her pals all started shrieking with laughter and saying:

“Naw, he’s fucking pink ya daftie! Away sit in the corner Chantelle!”

It was at this point Spike and I left, wanting to get as far away as possible before humiliating the poor girl more by laughing in her face. A job that was already being done perfectly by her cider-drinking friends.

A question of Etiquette

Last night, I originally intended to go to Box, for a few gins, while listening to the impeccable music played by the resident Sunday night DJ, ‘DQ’.

Instead, I ended up in The Cell in Shawlands, drinking lager and listening to something that can really only be described as “offensive noise”. It was the sort of music, played at the sort of volume that a resident of Basra might put on the CD player to block out the ambient noise of the bloody violence and chaos outside.

Now, for those that haven’t been to The Cell, it is a reasonably small club, with one room – so the music that is being played is more or less thrust upon you. However, when I went into the toilet there was rock music playing on the tiny speakers in there.

I struck up a conversation, while washing my hands, with another guy about this strange situation and the idea of just bringing a few tables and chairs into the gents and enjoying some Led Zeppelin.

Now this was obviously a hypothetical idea, there was no way we would actually do it. Don’t be ridiculous! That would be insane and unhygienic! We were merely using it as a metaphor to point out just how bad the music upstairs was.

As I finished washing my hands, my acquaintance had just finished at the urinal and asked for my name. I told him my name, at which point he replied with his, offering his hand in a friendly gesture.

Now I had a problem. Having just washed my hands, would it be rude for me to reject his hand, seeing as he had not yet been to the sink? Would it be even ruder to shake his hand and then return to the sink and wash my own again? Would he even realise why I would be refusing to shake his hand or would he think I was in some way rejecting him as a person that was beneath me?

There were far too many questions in this 'etiquette debate' that I ended up just shaking his hand and then leaving the washroom as if nothing had happened…

Well I am British and therefore would rather run the risk of contracting Leptospirosis than mildly offending a complete stranger…

Losing Weight

Over the end of last year and into the New Year period I lost a considerable amount of weight. When I say, “I lost a considerable amount of weight”, I realise that this statement in fact needs an explanation as it is not completely accurate.

I am not a liar. I did not make this up – I just realise that this bold statement needs some clarification.

For starters, the word “considerable” needs to be examined in more depth. Does this mean 20% of my previous body-weight? Does this mean a stone? A few pounds? More than a few stone?

If truth be told – I have no idea.

I have never been one to weigh myself and therefore could not tell you my start weight, my finish weight or the amount of weight I lost. I cannot even say for definite that I actually lost any weight at all – although I did – I just can’t prove it.

Anyway, I can attribute this to the fact that I got an exercise bike at the beginning of December and got quite into using it…until one day a few weeks ago when the batteries that control the LCD screen ran out.

They are size C batteries and these can be a bit of a nuisance to get a hold of – and being as lazy as I am, I haven’t bothered going to get new ones. As a result, I haven’t used my bike in a few weeks and have undone all the good work I had previously accomplished.

If only I had bought a real bike instead, I could have cycled round to the shops to get the batteries. In fact, if only I had bought a real bike, I wouldn’t have this dilemma as it would not need batteries for an LCD screen.

Still, I’m glad I spent so much money on my exercise bike as it doubles as an excellent hat-stand…

New Steve & Dave

'Steve & Dave' is continued with The New Steve & Dave Part II.

Hope you enjoy, feel free to let me know what you think in the comments box.




Click on the above image to see it full size.

Cheating...

Many of you will have realised that sometimes I post a little late, however I manage to look like I post every day by posting an entry similar to

"Today's Post to follow..."

then I edit it when I have time.

Essentially I cheat. I try to create the illusion that I in fact post everyday, whereas I do not. Which is why, sometimes "today's post" that concerns last night actually concerns tomorrow night, which shouldn't have happened yet...but it has...because I cheat.

Just now (tomorrow evening) I am watching The People's Quiz presented by Jamie Theakston.

Someone was just asked: "Who wrote Handel's Messiah?" and answered Roald Dahl...

Even more embarrasing: "Burn's Day celebrates the ife and works of which Scottish poet?"...answered with "I don't know, I'm not Scottish"...awesome...to steal a line from Woody Allen, that is the Zenith of Mongoloid reasoning.

They should do what I do...they should cheat...

Exams v Herring

Today I saw my exam time-table for the first time. This was a very important moment, as I have 2 plans for days in the month of May that I was really hoping wouldn’t clash with any university exams.

The first of these was a trip to Berlin, which is right at the end of the month…no problem here at all.

The second was Richard Herring’s visit to The Stand in Glasgow with his show ‘Ménage a un’.

Now here we have a problem…

Any regular readers, or friends of mine, will know that I hold Richard Herring in a very high regard – in fact, he is the primary reason I have this web-page in the first place. The idea was taken from his daily blog Warming Up – which is infinitely more interesting than my one. (Please go and have a read at Richard’s blog, and hopefully then you can become regular readers of both Fascinating and Warming Up… do not ditch mine in favour of Richard’s superior blog though…he already has 3,000 readers a day and doesn’t really need any more).

So here is the problem – I have an exam on the 22nd, 24th and 25th of May. Richard’s gig is on the night of the 23rd.

This does not leave much time for studying and seeing as I am the type of person that likes to do things at the very last minute (I am currently only half-way through a mega essay that is due in under 11 hours now…) this does not bode well for seeing the gig and passing the exams.

I have a choice to make. A big decision that I am not sure I could make myself.

Where should I go for advice? Someone at the university will clearly tell me to concentrate on my exams, as will members of my family…I’m also not sure some of my (less comedy literate) friends will understand just how good this gig will be…

So I decided the best person to make the call would be Richard Herring himself.

I gave him an email explaining my horrible situation and I have complete faith he will be able to give me sound guidance in this matter!

I’ll let you know how this transpires – please give me a comment with your own advice – I’ll need all the help I can get!

And if you have a chance to see Richard Herring I really urge you to take it - having seen his previous shows I can highly recommend it as an excellent night out!

Running late...

Yesterday I had a gig at the Canonsgait Bar in Edinburgh. I had known about this gig for over a week, yet still managed to leave my house far too late.

I stood at the bus-stop, knowing that if I didn't make the next train from Glasgow to Edinburgh that I would be in big trouble. The bus never arrived...

It was at this point that I decided to hail the next taxi and just pay the money needed to ensure I caught the train. As I flagged the taxi down, I decided (seeing as I am a nice person), that I would give everyone else at the bus-stop a lift as the bus inevitably would never show up.

I have done this before when running late, and the act of kindness I had shown others in giving them a free lift, had been repaid by me finding a fiver on the floor of a bar...now that's good karma (not to be confused with good korma, the best of which can no doubt be found in The Ashoka).

As I say this, do not think I am the type of person that believes in fate, or the old saying "what goes around comes around" as the last time I found money (a tenner on the street) happened just after I had told somebody to "fuck off"...

Anyway, as I journeyed into town with my new bus-stop friends, we chatted about where we were all off to and the respective nights we had ahead of us. The conversation was flowing and everything seemed normal until one of the girls in the cab referred to me by name.

At first I was taken aback - unsure of whether I had introduced myself or not - but it then transpired she used to go to the same school as me, albeit a year younger.

It just goes to show that it really is a small world (actually not really, as the school we attended was pretty local to both our houses and also the bus-stop we both use)...but it goes to show something...

In fact, I have no idea what it shows...although the good news for me is, that I now that I have one more reader of my blog...

It's difficult to do the right thing...

Last night, Chris & I were out for a few drinks, discussing ideas, talking about the comedy festival, speculating about future blog entries and generally just keeping ourselves to ourselves…until we stepped outside.

While walking towards Chris’ car, we looked across the street to see some drunk guy ripping the wing mirrors off the parked cars on the other side of the road.

At this point, many thoughts ran through my mind, like: Why was he doing this? What could he possibly gain from this? Does he think this is funny? Does he think his peers will respect him more now that he has a bit of reflective glass that used to be on a Fiat Punto?

While the answers to this remained unanswered, I decided to voice my disgust by shouting at him, something along the lines of:

“What the hell do you think you are doing? That’s someone’s car!”

He seemed non-plussed and completely ignored me. This only fuelled my anger, prompting me to shout:

“Ho, fucktard…that’s not on!”

He took notice at this.

He turned and walked back towards us (still on the other side of the road) shouting “What the fuck do I care! I’m mental! Do you know who am ur?!” (this translates in non-scum talk as, “Do you know who I am?”)

I did not know who he was (I think this is a positive reflection on my character, as if I did, it probably would have meant I socialised in vehicle-vandalising circles or worked in the prison industry).

Now quite furious, the man grabbed a large sign (still on the other side of the road) and started trying to throw it. The sign was very big and chained to a lamppost, so all he really did was dislodge it slightly. Still, the point came across quite clearly – he was a nutter.

His friend then ran up to him (still on the other side of the road), in what Chris and I thought would be an attempt to pull him away, but instead of doing this, ran straight past him and straight for us.

Chris and I now felt slightly threatened – especially since they were both running towards us (no longer on the opposite side of the road). We felt that it was now a good time to leave, so Chris hit the fob on his key-chain that opened the doors to his car.

Jumping inside, we hastily put our seatbelts on and speeded off, with the 2 guys about 5 feet behind us.

After driving about 200 yards up the road there was a police car, so I jumped out and told the police officer (a gorgeous young lady, although it didn’t seem the appropriate setting for flirting, so I kept it purely business-like) what had happened. When she asked where they were now, I replied

“Somewhere down the street – couldn’t tell you exactly where as we ran away scared”

Something I definitely would not have said if I’d been thinking about pulling…

So the police car drove off and we jumped in the car, making our way home.

On the journey back, Chris and I discussed the incident and what a great blog entry it would make. Although if our assailants were to read it – this would do us no favours.

Although to be honest, I don’t believe someone who rips mirrors off cars spends his days reading. In fact he probably doesn’t have a computer…no wait…he probably does, and he probably stole it…

The Shed...

Well looks like some people have a read at this afterall - thanks to those that turned up at one of my gigs at the weekend.

For those that missed them, I’ll post my next run soon, however in the meantime, I will be on tomorrow night at The Canonsgait Bar in Edinburgh doing a headline set.

In other news - I am upset, scrap that, slightly annoyed, nope too strong, dissappointed maybe? that The Shed nightclub is now the "cool" place to go if you're middle class and a bit of a wanker. I remember heading there when it was scummy and used to get laughed at by all the private school bawbags - gone are the days...

I remember laughing and thinking it was great when the Shack burned down, but in hindsight, it did tend to keep a lot of morons in the one place - shame it didn't catch fire during business hours...

(I have just realised that this post is so inherently Glaswegian that anyone from anywhere else in the world will have no idea what I am talking about...which, may be a good thing, as today's entry isn't particularly funny/interesting anyway...)

Lowering The Tone

So last night was Mark Nelson’s solo-show 'Lowering The Tone' at Blackfriars. I was really nervous before hand, as I knew fucking-up the support would put extra pressure on Mark that he really wouldn’t need for his first solo outing.

In the end, there were no fuck-ups. My support went well and Mark had a great gig, performing for well over an hour and giving the sell-out crowd an excellent show.

I’m proud of the boy, I really am…

After the show, just about every comedian in Scotland appeared in Blackfriars and the end of festival party began…

…There was then some part in the middle…

…And it ended around 7am.

(Forgive me just now, the details are a little hazy, though I remember something about selling a jacket and falling into a bath…crazy night…)

Saturday can be renamed 'Steve&Daveday'

Last night I was gigging at Georgics for Purple Comedy Live. It was a real mixed-bag of a show, but a lovely audience and I had a fun time. I’m told the whole show will be available for download from the Purple Comedy site, so I’ll post the details when everything’s ready.

Tonight, I’m supporting Mark Nelson in his 1-man show: ‘Lowering The Tone’. It sold-out about 3 weeks ago and is going to be packed. Lots of pressure, but I’m really looking forward to it.

On a non-comedy festival note, over the past week, I have had several e-mails and people commenting to me about ‘Steve & Dave’. As a result, I am bowing to peer pressure and bringing them back. Every Saturday there will now be a new ‘Steve & Dave’.

So, to welcome them back…

Cigars After Meals

Last weekend, myself and my girlfriend Claire went to Edinburgh for the weekend for a romantic break…when I say that, what I really mean is Dundee United were playing Hearts and the trip was planned around going to the football…does this make me a bad boyfriend?

None the less, we had a fabulous time and seeing as I was on holiday I permitted myself the odd cigar.

After a meal one night, I was stood outside the restaurant having one of my miniatures when I looked up to see that the sign above me read “Miller’s Close”. After a hasty few glances over my shoulder I realised that while Miller may have been in the vicinity, he certainly wasn’t within visual range…

After a couple of minutes Claire came out to join me and we started a conversation, the first words of which were her saying:

“It’s a shame you’re smoking again…I think you’re addicted”

To which I replied:

“I disagree, I am merely having a cigar not a cigarette, so therefore am not going to start the same old habits again. And also, addiction is classed as a disease. If you were to ask for a medical explanation of the term addiction you would hear something such as ‘Addiction is a primary, chronic, neurobiologic disease, with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. It is characterized by behaviors that include one or more of the following: impaired control over drug use, compulsive use, continued use despite harm, and craving.’ Now while I may be having a cigar, I have freely chosen to have it, rather than feeling forced by a physical dependence. I equate this to much the same way that someone may have a coffee after a meal – ie. because they want one, rather than need one…”

To which, Claire said:

“No, you misheard. I said ‘I think you’re a dick-head’.”

…Well, I can’t argue with that…

The Best of DMBD

As regular readers will know, I have posted some of the old "Dance Monkey Boy Dance" sketches along with my blog entries.

"Dance Monkey Boy Dance" was a sketch/improv/music show devised by some of the best comedy brains in Scotland and I was fortunate enough to get to see the very beginnings of this show as it started life in The Vault comedy club around the corner from my house.

They still perform now (albeit with a slightly different line-up) and are well worth checking out at The Stand Comedy Club in Glasgow on a Monday night.

Today I feel the need to share a few of these older sketches with you - as they are just so damn funny.

First up, their hilarious parody of "The Shawshank Redemption", starring Joe Heenan,



Secondly, "Billy Connolly's Bullshit Tour Of Germany" starring Des McLean,



And finally, one of my favourites they ever did, "The Skateboard King" starring Des McLean & Joe Heenan,



I'll post some more of their old sketches up in the coming weeks as I really feel they should be seen by as many people as possible. Hope you enjoyed them.

More from Revels

To go along with yesterday's post, I am including today some other bits and pieces that came about as a result of the Revels Student Comedy Awards.

In addition to the videos that were posted here, there are also audio podcasts. These have been provided by The Sun online and can be found here. They are basically a highlights clip of each show, probably about 30 secs of each act and are well worth a listen!

As well as this, there have been a couple of articles written - one from the Edinburgh Guide and one from The Scotsman. The Scotsman article really doesn't say much about me, more just about the PR side of sponsoring companies... as Chris so helpfully pointed out in his blog.

Today's entry isn't very entertaining from a writing perspective (though the links are good), so I'll add a photo from the night of the competition. It's of myself , Raymond Mearns (compere), Steve Bennett (chortle.co.uk) and Kevin Bridges (headliner).

Extra News: 'Steve & Dave' may be making a return to this blog soon - so check back in the coming days!

Revels Student Comedy Awards with Chortle.co.uk

A few weeks ago, I won the Scottish Heat in the "Revels Student Comedy Awards with Chortle.co.uk".

It was a really good gig, with some very good acts on the bill, but fortunately I managed to come out on top and secure my place in the final.

The final is in August, during the Fringe and there is a £2,500 prize plus a trip to Montreal for the winner - so I'll be writing like hell to try and get together the best set possible. I will probably use this blog as a grounds to test out some ideas, so please let me know what you think of the posts from day to day.

As part of the competition, all the heats were filmed and posted on the Revels Student Comedy Awards site. You can have a look at all the acts and vote for who you think should get the "punter's choice" place in the final for best runner-up. There are some excellent acts that didn't make it through on their night - so it's definitely worth checking out.

In the meantime, here is a short clip from near the beginning of my performance - I hope you enjoy...

Channel 5...

I spent a lot of yesterday evening watching live baseball on channel 5. Many people mock channel 5, however I feel it is one of the best terrestrial tv channels, as it shows baseball, Prison Break and Columbo. (It is certainly in my top 5 list).

It seems to have got the needs of my generation perfectly – when I was around 13 it showed softcore pornography – this was perfect, in the time before the interent, for the young teenager who was far too young looking to buy a scud mag in the shops.

And now I am older, I obviously have outgrown such titillation on the tv (not because I am somehow morally more mature and against pornography – but because, as pornography goes, it was pretty rubbish).

Remember “Red Shoe Diaries”…a “porn” show that basically amounted to Mulder from the X-files retelling the tale of how Johnny’s big sister got fingered behind a shed?

Porn on terrestrial tv is a lost industry and has gone the way of the magazine…And we have the internet to blame (or thank).