Myspace

Hey guys,

You can now be my friend on myspace by going to

http://www.myspace.com/andyvaughancomedy

Cheers!

Chortle Student Comedy 2008

Below is a short clip from my set at Strathclyde University on March 19th 2008. It's a shame the clip doesn't show the start of my CIS cup final joke as it went down really well (but you can read it below). I'm guessing the reason it hasn't been included is probably because the guys that filmed it are English and won't get Scottish football references to Arabs - but rather just think I was being rasist without cause!

Shame they also missed my wee bit about hill walking in the lake district, but if I can get hold of the full video, I'll post it up here.

Hope you enjoy

CIS Cup Final

I was at the CIS Cup Final yesterday between Dundee United and Rangers.

At the end of the game, it was probably the only time in the world that noone felt threatened with 17,000 suicidal Arabs in one place...

Domestos

Domestos bleach kills 99.9% of all known organisms - thus leading me to believe it is possibly the safest contraceptive and most effective spermicide in the world...

...I'll let you know how this works out...

Losers in Love

They say "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"...

...nice sentiment, but I'm sure someone like Freddie Mercury would disagree with you...

Medical Discoveries

It's been reported in scientific journals recently that women with bigger breasts have a higher chance of getting cancer...

...on the other hand they also have a higher chance of getting laid...swings and roundabouts...

The Wild West

Whenever you watch a Western, the town Saloon, no matter what the town, always has the same traits:

• When you walk in the place goes silent and all the locals give you threatning stares.
• There's a weird old guy in a hat at the end of the bar, with one solitary tooth, grinning at you.
• There are women a plenty that will fuck you in exchange for small amounts of money.
• Say one wrong word to the wrong guy and you'll be gunned down where you stand.

and finally

• You can only ever get flat beer - in a dirty glass.

Wait a sec...thats exactly the same as the lonely planet's 2007 synopsis of pubs in Glasgow...

Quickie 30/01/08

It was with sadness I learned of the death of TV prankster Jeremy Beadle. Now while I can't say anything bad about the man...how awesome would it have been if Jeremy, knowing he was going to die, killed himself in a really brutal way that made it look as if Noel Edmonds had done it...

...a last, brilliant, You've Been Framed...

Apologies

Hi guys,

My apologies for lack of doing anything the last 6 weeks, I was totally gubbed with ulcerative toncilitas...very unpleasnt. So I've not done any gigs or any new writing in ages...

So now back to full fitness and with a whole year to come - let's start the inane jokes...

Quickie 18/12

Islamic fundamentalists don't trust written or tape recorded messages, hence instead deliver all secret communications by human messenger...usually still set to self-destruct within ten seconds...

Quickie 17/12

My next door neighbour is what you'd call easy...If I had a pound for every time she sucked me off...well that would be me breaking even...

Quickie 14/12

The 100 Most Influential Women of All Time: A Ranking Past and Present - Carol Publishing Group (1995), has both Joan of Arc and Princess Diana listed as having huge impact on a world scale.

Diana famously lived her life "like a candle in the wind" , whereas Joan ended her life...like "a candle"...

Quickie 13/12

A story in the Record yesterday reported that a man spent 4 days trapped in a toilet.

That's nothing - my gran's been living in Dundee for the past 50 years...

My Daemon...

So I went to see the Golden Compass last week as I really enjoyed Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. I didn't think the film was really up to much - but being a dead beat student I have plenty of time to surf the web and play around on official movie web-sites...as a result I was able to see what my daemon would look like...and here it is...



Now I have already written a joke today - so this post contains none...but let me know what you think - I had no idea where else to post this!