Revels UK Student Comedy Awards with Chortle.co.uk Final

Below is my set as performed at the Revels UK Student Comedy Awards Final.

Harold Shipman: Addict?

After my posting of a Harold Shipman gag yesterday, I was thinking about what he did and what compelled him to do it. He was obviously a sick individual and just became obsessed to the point of addiction with killing off old folk.

It then occurred to me that if this was an addiction – I wondered how it would fit in with other addictions. I know smoking is meant to be more addictive than heroin – but just how addictive is giving a lethal dose of drugs to a pensioner? Less than smoking, but more than chocolate? Perhaps it is the most addictive thing of all and we’re just lucky more people haven’t tried it out of curiosity and become hooked on bumping off the over 70’s.

I wonder if he ever struggled with his addiction like I’ve struggled with giving up cigarettes. Maybe he went for a couple of months – struggling every day and then a particularly stressful day came along when he thought – “I’ll just have a quick one to tide me over – not even a full one, just administer a small non-lethal overdose to the next octogenarian to help get rid of the cravings”. Then before he knew it he was back where he started on 20 a day…

It could have happened.

Perhaps now they should have government warnings – similar to those on cigarette packets - to help those that could potentially slip down the slippery slope like Harold did.

After all, the man was an addict and addicts need all the help they can get.

Quickie 22/08

Here's one of my old jokes I've not done in a couple of years, but I saw an article about the man in question yesterday and thought I could use the old line in my blog, hope you enjoy:

According to a former love interest, apparently Harold Shipman was hung like a horse.

I didn't realise horses tied themselves to the ceiling with a bit of shoe-lace.

Quickie 21/08

It has been pointed out to me that I must be one of the very few comedians in the country that doesn't do any material about sex.

This isn't because I find the subject too blue - or even cliche - I just find it easier to write about what I know.

Quickie 20/08

I was in Curries today when a computer jumped out of nowhere and kicked shit out me.

P.C. gone mad...

Quickie 19/08

There is now over £900,000 in the Madeline McCann appeal.

Which is great news, as now her parents will have no bother affording a babysitter.

Tales from the Circuit

I've picked up a lot of good stories from the comedy circuit and yesterday I found myself recounting a tale involving fellow stand-up and good pal Obie. Thinking about it later, I realised it has never been on the blog, so I feel now is time to include it.

If you've never met the man, you can get a general idea of him by reading my 2 part blog entry on the Wickerman Festival, where we had a brilliant laugh.

So to the story I had in mind:

One day, maybe last year/a couple of years ago, Obie and I were coming back from a gig in Dundee, with Obie driving. He was telling me that he was a bit down, saying things like:

"Andy, I'm feeling pretty depressed. I might just end it all...drive the car in front of a truck or something"

Now it can be quite hard to tell when he's joking, and quite worrying when sitting beside him in the passenger seat, so I just told him everything was cool and it was just a bad mood that would clear up in a couple of days. The conversation ended there and a short while later I must have fallen asleep due to it being the middle of the night.

Obie then pulled into the next lay-by, positioning his car infront of a giant tree, before screaming and lunging forward in his seat.

I woke up instantly, grabbed the side of the car and screamed as I saw this huge tree take up the whole of the windshield...only for me to then realise the car was parked and Obie was doubled up in laughter.

A brilliant practical joke, but also the closest I have ever come to soiling myself in public...

Quickie 17/08

So my home city of Glasgow is bidding to host the Commonwealth games. What a stupid idea, bringing the world's top athletes to the city with Europe's poorest health record. What other completely innapropriate event are they going to have next?

Hot dog eating contest in Malawi.

or

World Sailing Championships in New Orleans & South Yorkshire.

Quickie 16/08

Today a colleague at work told me, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".

I couldn't help but point out this wasn't the case with Christopher Reeve.

A day at The Fringe

Yesterday I spent the day at The Edinburgh Festival. What with work commitments this summer, it looks likt it will be the only time I make it through.

I did 3 shows that evening and also enjoyed some quality banter with the other performers - cheers for making it such a good night!

First up I did Keir McAllister's show "The Comedy Couch Variety", followed by Obie's show "Obie is Maraculous!" and ending with the final of the UK Student comedy awards.

Now I thought this being Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland, the final might have been a home gig for me - how wrong could I have been? The audience must have been around 80% English and I realised being the only Scot on the bill wouldn't be the advantage I was hoping it would - especially since I only had five mates with me.

Nonetheless it was a good gig and a fun room to play. My congratulations to winner, Tom Deacon from Southampton, who thoroughly deserved the night's crown. Although also a special mention to Ed Patrick, who although he didn't end up in the prizes, made me laugh the most out of all the acts on the night.

So that is that - over for another year. But I'll be back with a vengence next year trying to be the only act in the history of the competition to make the final 3 years running.

...Oh, and seeing as I never won - I would like to retract the statement (that I never even made in the first place) and all other associations to me and the word "yummy"...

Quickie 14/08

So reports are out today that kids as young as thirteen are out in the streets fighting each other with knives and guns.

Still, at least they're not sat at home playing video games and watching TV all day...

Quickie 13/08

Today I bought a DVD entitled 'Titanic: Special Edition'.

I assumed "special edition" would be the original plot with disabled actors - but I was let down as it was the same shit film, only longer than usual.

It wasn't a complete disappointment, however, as Leo DiCaprio does sometimes look like he might be retarded.

Quickie 12/08

So this summer was meant to be Britain's hottest summer ever with experts advising the public that now would be a great time to use your savings to buy a boat.

That's if you live in England and wanted to go up your highstreet in it.

Quickie 11/08

This morning I took my dog for a walk.

He burnt the last one making a stir-fry.

It's almost Revels Time (yummy!)

Just to let you all know that the final of the UK Student Comedy Awards is on Tuesday night (14th August) at The Pleasance Ace Dome in Edinburgh. I'll be sure to let you know how I get on and I'll no doubt post the video of my performance when it becomes available.

Just now I am at loggerheads with myself at how to perform this gig, being given only a 5 minute slot to show off my stuff.

Part of me wants to do my darker material - really test the audience and either gain masses of applause, or conversley offend people so much that they leave (this has a big appeal for me as I feel it will make a better story than just doing my set, it going well and that's kind of it).

So with only 5 mins, I think I'm gonna try and shoe-horn all my best bits into one gag laden set, at the expense of the set-ups. It's going to be a gamble, but hopefully it will pay off.

Watch this space.

The difference between comedy & real life

Sometimes I get accused by my friends as coming across on this blog as a nasty person (with jokes like yesterday's one). It upsets a couple of them, as obviously this is a stage persona that I have carried onto this blog as opposed to the real me.

I'd just like to assure readers that when I don't have my 'comedy hat' on, I'm actually an incredibly nice person. For instance, I'll often go round the nightclubs of Glasgow spiking ugly girl's drinks - just to make them feel wanted.

Quickie 08/08

Apparently having a down-syndrome kid isn't as expensive as most people think.

All you need to get for them on your weekly shop is crayons - and that will cover both entertainment and food...

Quickie 07/08

Edinburgh has the dirtiest streets in Scotland with over one third of streets officially classed as "dirty".

While the figure 33% seems high, they still have a long way to go to catch up with the stats for the women of Dundee.

Quickie 06/08

Scotland's tramps did the coutry proud yesterday by winning football's Homeless World Cup. The team lifted the trophy after beating Poland 9-3 in the final.

It was no surprise really, as all their guys were over here playing for us.

Quickie 05/08

Smokers this week have admitted the smoking ban is not as bad as they had feared, with many of them now taking part in "smirting". This is the act of flirting with other smokers while outside a bar or nightclub.

It is not to be confused with "smraping", that tends to only happens at the nightclub Destiny.

A new format

Seeing as how I don't yet have the internet in my new flat and I'm struggling to find the time to continue my usual style of daily blog because of work, I plan on writing "quickies" - just a single joke that maybe takes a few lines. (An idea I have stolen from fellow comedian Mark Nelson - but I had my blog first and he copied me - although he was born first so I suppose I copied him, if you want to go all the way back to who did what first).

Don't worry - the usual stories will still make an appearance, but they'll be interspersed with these new shortened entries.

Overall it means they'll be something for you to read every day.

Hurrah!

Moving out

I have just moved out of my childhood home and into the big bad world of having to care for myself. When I say – “I have just moved out” I am actually still in the process of doing so, considering I am currently living in a flat that has minimal furnishings and no blinds on the windows.

I’ve been wanting to move out for so long, that I now find myself in the situation of being completely bewildered at having finally achieved my goal. I feel like a prisoner, who after years of trying has finally succeeded in getting parole, and now he’s on the outside, he has fuck-all to do. The wait is over, your wish is granted but now there’s nothing to fight for, nothing to look forward to – or possibly more importantly, nothing to moan about.

Apart from the fact I have no blinds.

I’m hoping this change in living arrangements will bring changes elsewhere in my life. Perhaps I’ll be more motivated for university. Perhaps I will take care of my money more and look after my bank balance. Perhaps my new independence will result in a new sense of responsibility. Perhaps my lifestyle will become healthier as I’ll no longer need to buy fast food after a night out. Perhaps I’ll make new grown-up friends and be invited to dinner parties…

Or perhaps I’ll end up watching Columbo all day and drinking more to relieve the boredom of living alone…

Whichever way it goes I’ll be sure to let you know – if I ever get round to installing broadband in the flat.

But I have bigger issues to deal with before that – like getting some damn blinds.

Just Joan - (Just an ignorant old twat)

There are few things in life I find as irritating as the Daily Record’s man-hating, agony aunt, Just Joan. I would rather have to spend a whole day conversing with Hitler than 5 minutes in the company of the self-righteous “I know everything about everything” excuse for a newspaper columnist. (At least Hitler actually maintained the same viewpoint on his issues from week to week – even if by other people’s standards they were slightly unpopular.)

Joan on the other hand seems to fling advice around – contradicting the previous weeks replies by saying almost the opposite to an almost identical letter.

The way she seems to be able to have such a rigid viewpoint on a specific situation when the letter sent in was less than 100 words long is beyond me. It would be like judging people on Big Brother after only watching 5minutes of the show (oh wait…I have done that on several occasions, however I’m still adamant that they are all twats).

Yesterday’s letter was a prime example of why I think Joan is a moron. My main gripe about her, is her opinion that seems to believe that every man is a nothing more than a sex-offender waiting to happen, wanting nothing more from women than to force them into intercourse.

You will understand what I mean after you read this transcript – it’s actually pretty funny in its own right, but Joan’s final comment is so ludicrous and unrelated I feel it shows up what a stupid cow she actually is. Here goes:

-------------------------------------------------------------

Question: I MET a guy in a pub and, as we really clicked, when he asked me if I would go back to his flat with him, I agreed.

Believe me, I have NEVER done anything like that before.

We went to bed and it was great. I really felt I had found the man of my dreams. Then the door burst open and this other girl flew at me.

She threw me half-naked out the house and chucked the rest of my clothes after me.

It was 3am and I had to walk home. I've since found out the guy set me up to make her jealous.

But now she's telling everyone I am a tart who would go with anyone.

What do I do?

Answer: NOTHING. The less you say the better. Folk will soon forget it and move on to the next 'scandal.'

Either that or you turn it into a funny story. You also make sure it doesn't happen again by never going off with a total stranger.

You were lucky you only had to face an enraged woman - it could have been a rapist.

------------------------------------------------------------------

What the hell does she mean it could have been a rapsit?! Does she mean that when this girl was having sex with the guy – an angry rapist could have burst in? What does rape have to do with anything this letter has been about?

Just Joan does my fucking nut in. I swear she really should be replaced by someone who isn’t so set in her ways and intent on turning every story into one about rape (I have friends that also have this quirk – although it’s usually not intended in the same way).

I really, really can’t stand her and her idiotic views, although I suppose her column isn't all that bad, it could have be worse – it could have been a rapist.