Wickerman 2008 - Part 2

Friday

The day began on Friday with a trip to the barbers to get my hair cut yet again...I swear my hair grows faster than Jordan’s kid. But with hair chopped and my bags all packed, Jay & Laura came round to pick me up.

We performed the Tetris-like task of fitting all the bags into Jay’s car and set off on the journey to Dumfriesshire, stopping at Morrisons on the way to stock up with booze and food. Now I had wanted to do this at Tesco, however Jay assured me Morrisions was good as it had an “organic fruit shop”. At which point, me in all my maturity shot back “You’re an organic fruit shop” (yes this level of humour amuses me) and Jay as quick as a flash replied, “I am, want to sample my melons?”...it was going to be a fun weekend. The shopping trip amazingly cost £125 and we crammed all the drink into Jay’s already full car, totally knackering the suspension...it’s just as well Nelson wasn’t with us this year or the body of the car would have been touching the ground, the fat bastard that he is...

We arrived at the campsite and pitched our tents in the same area as last year after searching for Obie for about 40 minutes. He left a good few hours before us, however the phone signal was non-existent and we ended up just choosing the site ourselves. It turned out that Obie arrived an hour later than us, apparently having gone the scenic route...doesn’t surprise me as this is the man that managed to make the journey from Dundee to Glasgow last 3.5hrs by going through every village in central Scotland.

I took to the stage at around 6pm, with DJ and Keir in a small slot lasting an hour. I had a cracking 20 minute gig, helped a lot by he fact it started raining and forced a load of punters into the tent to seek shelter, giving me a nice big audience to perform to.

As I said yesterday, although Mark wasn’t at this year’s festival, we had concocted a plan. So as Keir McAllister waited to take the stage, I plugged my iPod into the sound system and Mark’s voice came over the speakers, giving Keir a fine introduction that would have pissed many comics off, but Keir took it in very good spirits, laughing at the ingenious scheme we had concocted (click the link below to hear the intro):

[LINK TO BE ADDED]

After the wee comedy show, the next act up was a poet who did a 10minute routine screaming in the voice of a Dalek...Keir and I were laughing so hard, however we were unsure if this is because it was a work of genius, or it was really, really terrible...the said poet then followed this up with a poem in the style of the Postman Pat theme tune, entitled, “Racist Pat”, which started with the line, “Racist Pat, racist Pat, racist Pat with his white and white cat”...now this one was genius which included the beautiful internal line rhyme of “postal worker” and “burkah”. Definitely a guy worth seeing.

After this, Kirst had just arrived from work, while Jay and Obie weren’t on until later in the evening, so we returned to the tents and got stuck into the massive amounts of booze. Now, copious amounts of alcohol and a group of comedians can lead to some very funny conversations, but also some very strange conversations (more on this tomorrow). I proceeded to get the pish ripped out of me for the rest of the evening following a remark about increasing the surface area of sausages in order for them to cook quicker...in hindsight, I deserved it...

So, several drinks later we headed back to the acoustic village for Jay and Obie’s gig. Jay took to the stage with a confidence and attitude that could be likened to a member of the Rolling Stones...unfortunately, that member of the Rolling Stones turned out to be Keith Richards as two minutes in, it became clear she was way more drunk than any of us thought. She totally forgot her set and stood on stage with that horrible “I have no idea what I’m doing or want to say” look on her face. She eventually said, “Guys, I’m going to need some help”, before then placing the mic back in the stand and finishing with the words “Obie, help me!”. She walked off and Obie came on for the next 5 minutes, filling time for Jay to get her head straight. She then reappeared and flawlessly performed an excellent gig. Fair play to the girl, I think it’s fair to say none of the blokes there, Keir, Obie or myself, would have had the balls to get back up or would have been able to pull that off!

An interesting thought struck me at that moment...when in life, ever, has there been anyone in trouble in a room full of people, and the person they cry out to for help is Obie...that’s like needing help with a Sudoku and choosing Jade Goodey as the woman for you...well I guess there’s a first time for everything....

Obie was up next and he had the best gig of the night, easily filling 40minutes with his random patter that had the, now full tent, in wave after wave of laughter – a crackin show from the big man.

So “work” over for the night, the group headed off to dance the night away and get even more drunk. When the blokes returned to the tents, there was a random shoe lying outside Jay’s tent. We had a look inside to find some jayke tucked up in Laura’s sleeping bag. The guy was totally gubbed and didn’t have a clue where he was. Obie awoke the squatter and turfed him out, while I stood at the side laughing my head off. I later found out I had made a call to Jay to tell her of the situation and when I heard the answer phone message I left back, it was truly hilarious. I’ll try my best to get it off Jay’s phone and post it on here!

Overall a great Friday night, where I managed to drink a load of Becks and the best part of a bottle of Pernod in the space of a few hours. As a result, I don’t remember much, but I’m certain I had a great time...although I’m also certain I met a unicorn and took a trip to Mars with Columbo...

Wickerblog 2008 - Part 1

So the Wickerman weekend has just passed – and what a weekend it was! I’ll take you through the best of it in the next few posts...here we go...

Thursday

The Wickerman Festival was only a day away and it was going to be awesome. Sadly Mark Nelson was not going to make it this year, however the crew from last year was still intact with Obie, myself and Martin all heading down, with the addition of my girlfriend Kirsty, comedians Keir McAllister and Jay Lafferty with her pal Laura. Although Mark was going to miss this year’s festival – we’d concocted a plan that meant he wouldn’t technically miss the gig, while also he would get one over on Keir (the three of us are continually trying to outdo each other on the Scottish Comedy Forum) and this idea was the best scheme yet.

I had arranged to travel down with Jay on the Friday where we would go to Tesco beforehand, but even still I took a trip after work on Thursday to go shopping at Silverburn in order to be as fully prepared as possible for the weekend ahead. The weather of late had been surprisingly good and I needed some new shirts, shorts, camping gear and food.
It was when I arrived at Silverburn that I realised why it was that I only went clothes shopping once a year at most – I am totally crap at it. I have no idea what is stylish or even if something fits (in my mind if it is not too small then it’s fine). I’ve been relatively lucky in life that there has always been a woman present to help (when I say help, I mean buy things for me) when it comes to clothes – whether it was my mum, Sandie, Claire or Kirsty they all have infinitely better taste than I do.

So I found myself surrounded by people looking at clothes, trying things on and chatting, while I looked at the same shirt for about 15 minutes wondering whether or not it would be a good idea to buy it. It was around this time that Jay called asking about the arrangements for the next day and I described the predicament I found myself in. She very kindly offered to help with this situation (without laughing at me or implying I was a total retard) so that I didn’t have to go through the process alone. So I stood in Next, taking photos of the various items on my phone and then sending them to her for expert opinion...though I’m now not sure how valid her opinion is as apparently the one on the left is a “no” whereas the one on the right is a “yes”...maybe she was taking the piss slightly...

....................

So clothes shopping out of the way, I headed to Tesco to get food and face wipes (in order to prevent a repeat of the Wickerman Face wipe Debacle of 2007). Fully stocked on food and with only booze left to buy I went to sleep like a kid at Christmas - although instead of being excited about the visit of a large fat bearded man, the excitement stemmed from the thought of a large wooden man on fire...

I'm playing at The Wickerman Festival 2008

Friday 25th & Saturday 26th July

Why not join us?

For more information & tickets click here

T in The Park

Another eventful T in The Park finished and this time there were 2 deaths.

I know it's a music festival and having the odd slash outside is expected...but 11 times? I mean really...

Cheap fags

My mate from work was going on holiday and offered to bring me back some cigarettes. Obviously this was excellent news and I jumped at the chance, asking, if possible, for 10 cartons.

So he got back yesterday and presented me with my 10 boxes in a large carrier bag and a bill for £590!!!!!

When I asked him where the hell he went on holiday, he replied, "Scarborough"...ha bloody ha...

Switching Staff

I ended up in Box for the first time in ages last month. Regular readers will know that I used to go there on almost a nightly basis with Chris (you can read his blog by following the link here, or alternatively you can type ‘back-stabbing low-life’ into google).

It was the usual set-up and the usual good night to be had, but quite terribly, they have changed security company and, as a result, all the staff that work on the door. This is a total nightmare as now there will be no chance of wandering up after the 2am curfue and nonchalantly sauntering in. A real shame, as not only did this come in handy when I fancied a late night pint, but it is also makes you look pretty cool to the people you are with that thought the night was over. Nothing beats being able to get into bars after normal closing hours if you’re in Glasgow and looking to make new friends (which is handy as I’m currently in the market for one).

So there’s another small thing that I could use to impress people gone…this list seems to be getting increasingly smaller these days.

Still, if a woman is impressed more that I can get into a bar after 2am as opposed to my excellent stand-up style chat then maybe I should be thinking about a career change…

Lucky Charms?

Anyone that knows me, will know I have 3 major loves in my life that I take to incredible extremes – Dundee United, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers and Poker.

I host a weekly poker game for the Scottish Comedy scene that generally involves playing cards, talking shite and listening to one of my many Tom Petty DVDs. One night after I was singing along to the songs while playing my cards someone asked me if I went out my way to memorise all the lyrics, at which point, fellow comic Mark Nelson said “It’s on in this flat so fucking often that even I know all the fucking words”...as I said – extremes...

Now I’m not the type of person that believes in lucky charms or that walking under a ladder is bad luck – it may be a stupid thing to do as the likeliness of something falling on you is greatly increased, but I wouldn’t deem it unlucky. In saying this, I do have/have had certain things; I suppose people may call them charms that I carry with me for certain situations. For instance, for the past few years I’ve always had the same small charm in my pocket when doing a stand-up gig – not because it’s lucky, rather it reminds me of good times and hopefully helps put me in a positive frame of mind before the show. I also have a poker chip I use as a card guard when playing – again, not for luck, but for practical purposes and sentimental value. Do people that have “lucky” items genuinely believe they work? Would Kennedy have avoided being assassinated if he had had a lucky charm with him? Perhaps only if that lucky charm was a full size suit of armour – anyway, I digress...

I recently received a lovely new card guard for my poker exploits – a commemorative chip from the Hard Rock Cafe, Las Vegas, advertising a Tom Petty gig at their casino. The chip is gorgeous and emblazoned around the outside with the words:

“BABY, EVEN THE LOSERS GET LUCKY SOMETIMES” and on the flip-side, "EVEN THE LOSERS KEEP A LITTLE BIT OF PRIDE”

The first bit is certain fact when it comes to poker – I’ve seen some horrendous plays win some fabulous amounts of money, however the second bit is definitely not always the case – I’ve seen some losers at the card table throw pride to the wind and hurl abuse (or sometimes the occasional punch) in the direction of the player that knocked them out the game – but it’s a brilliant sentiment and a truly excellent song.

Marathon...

A few months ago I split up with my long-term girlfriend & found myself not really sure how to proceed with things in general. One thing I did know however, was that she was a gorgeous girl that was much better looking than I was and it would be unlikely I’d get that lucky again without putting in some significant effort. Slightly confused and wanting to change my life for the better, I decided that I was going to get fit and to force myself to train, I rashly signed up to run a leg of the Edinburgh marathon, safe in the knowledge it was a long way away and I had plenty of time...WORST IDEA EVER! As bad ideas go, that’s up there with: “Let’s give her a couple of these pills so she goes to sleep when we’re out for tapas...”

I first started “training” by going on a walking holiday to the Lake District where I went on a walk entitled Underloughrigg & Rydall Park. A walk, that was selected by my friend (and now girlfriend) Kirsty after looking at it’s synopsis in the guidebook, which started with the lines:

"This is a really soft walk with virtually no ascent. It is ideally suited to those recuperating from heart attacks, violent hangovers or loss of a leg."

Wow, she must have thought a lot of me! And did I feel like Id accomplished something!?...”loss of a leg”...a post accident Christopher Reeve could have completed this particular trek. But still, it was step 1 accomplished and I was proud of myself (albeit a shamefull pride that I can only liken to the feeling you’d have if you narrowly beat Jade Goody at Scrabble – as technically it counts as a victory, but inside it’s a loss).

Back to the present, and the day is now almost upon us – the marathon is Sunday and preparation has been, at best, patchy...If you would like to help us in our quest, which I know you desperately would, please visit:

http://www.justgiving.com/comedy

and help out the team (pictured below - clockwise from top left, Keir McAllister, Vladimir McTavish, Andy Vaughan & Nick Morrow):




It’s going to be tough, but hopefully it will also be fun...

Quiz Machines

My friend Chris (you can read his excellently written blog here) and I used to meet up and go out drinking in Glasgow all the time. As a result we probably knew everything about one another and as we met on almost a daily basis, there was never much “new” to talk about. This resulted in playing the Quiz machines as a method to help pass the time. We actually got really good at a game called “Billy The Quid”, the winnings from which almost passed as our income at the time.

Every time we achieved a high score, when prompted, we would type in the name “BAWS”. It was funny for us to see the screen filled from top to bottom with “BAWS” and the Highscores table was a little bit of recognition that we were immensely proud of.

Anyway, to the point in hand – I was gigging at The State Bar last night and after leaving, a group of us ended up going out for a few drinks. We ended up in The Hall on Sauchiehall St and we spent some time playing the Quiz machine – achieving the Highscore in Monopoly. When looking at the table – the current Highscore was BAWS and since I haven’t been in The Hall for a few months – I knew it was Chris that had the Highscore...but not anymore, it has been replaced by “BAWS II”. I wonder if Chris will realise this was me. In fact I won’t wonder that for long because, he’ll probably read this first. I haven’t seen Chris in a while; however, this was a small victory for me, while still retaining the old team name.

In fact, I wonder if it would be possible to communicate with someone using the Highscores board...but considering it costs 50p a game in order to write a maximum of 6 letters, I think I’ll just send a text...

Thugs?

It really is a fine line in this country that separates how the masses view individuals. For instance, there was a photo in one of the newspapers, of some Rangers fans in Manchester kicking a police officer that was lying on the ground.

Quite rightly so, the accompanying caption branded these men as “thugs”. It’s interesting to note, however, if you change that policeman for a Muslim man on fire, you’ve just turned a “thug” into a “national hero”...

New Gladiators

Sky 1 has just started screening the New Gladiators. Essentially the TV program that was popular in the 90s is back with a bang – new Gladiators, new outfits and a couple of new games.

It was going to be amazing. I organised a big group of mates over to watch the first screening on my lovely Sky+ with surround sound. The room was kitted out with alcohol & snacks a plenty – it was going to be a fun hour.

So the big moment came and we tuned into Sky1 to find the screen was blue with the message “No Satellite Signal Being Received”.

We reacted as any group of self-respecting Glaswegians would. We ran out onto the street, smashed a couple of shop windows and started kicking a police officer.

Match Officials

So, still seething from the Rangers v Dundee United match at the weekend, my dad forwarded me this picture of the linesman - made me laugh, so I'll share it with you:

Another weekend at the football

So I'm just back from the Rangers v Dundee United game and I'm absolutely furious. Just how many times are my beloved Dundee United going to be screwed over by Rangers? And how much money am I going to spend in order to end up fucking angry!? A ticket for the away end was £24...for half the price I could have gone to Borders and bought a copy of Jodie Marsh's autobiography, Keeping it Real, if I had wanted to spend 2 hours in order to become filled with hatred and rage!

I'm not going to write about the many obscene refereeing decisions during the game - I'm unsure if blogger has a maximum word count, but I'm almost certain I'd breach it - instead I'll try and tell you about the one moment of the day that made me laugh.

Rangers have recently made it to the Uefa Cup Final, no mean feat, and to celebrate and show off this European triumph, the Rangers fans were throwing around beach balls...yes beach balls...they're going to Manchester for the final for fuck's sake...

For any Ranger's fans unsure of Manchester's exact location, here is a map:



As you'll see, it's in North England, hardly the climate for beach regalia...and it's also inland, miles away from the coast or any beach for that matter...

Stupid moronic low-lives...

...oh well, I suppose Manchester does have a canal - and if any Rangers fans are interested, I'll trade them their beach balls for the more appropriate bin bag, a rope and a few bricks...

Myspace

Hey guys,

You can now be my friend on myspace by going to

http://www.myspace.com/andyvaughancomedy

Cheers!

Chortle Student Comedy 2008

Below is a short clip from my set at Strathclyde University on March 19th 2008. It's a shame the clip doesn't show the start of my CIS cup final joke as it went down really well (but you can read it below). I'm guessing the reason it hasn't been included is probably because the guys that filmed it are English and won't get Scottish football references to Arabs - but rather just think I was being rasist without cause!

Shame they also missed my wee bit about hill walking in the lake district, but if I can get hold of the full video, I'll post it up here.

Hope you enjoy

CIS Cup Final

I was at the CIS Cup Final yesterday between Dundee United and Rangers.

At the end of the game, it was probably the only time in the world that noone felt threatened with 17,000 suicidal Arabs in one place...

Domestos

Domestos bleach kills 99.9% of all known organisms - thus leading me to believe it is possibly the safest contraceptive and most effective spermicide in the world...

...I'll let you know how this works out...

Losers in Love

They say "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"...

...nice sentiment, but I'm sure someone like Freddie Mercury would disagree with you...

Medical Discoveries

It's been reported in scientific journals recently that women with bigger breasts have a higher chance of getting cancer...

...on the other hand they also have a higher chance of getting laid...swings and roundabouts...

The Wild West

Whenever you watch a Western, the town Saloon, no matter what the town, always has the same traits:

• When you walk in the place goes silent and all the locals give you threatning stares.
• There's a weird old guy in a hat at the end of the bar, with one solitary tooth, grinning at you.
• There are women a plenty that will fuck you in exchange for small amounts of money.
• Say one wrong word to the wrong guy and you'll be gunned down where you stand.

and finally

• You can only ever get flat beer - in a dirty glass.

Wait a sec...thats exactly the same as the lonely planet's 2007 synopsis of pubs in Glasgow...

Quickie 30/01/08

It was with sadness I learned of the death of TV prankster Jeremy Beadle. Now while I can't say anything bad about the man...how awesome would it have been if Jeremy, knowing he was going to die, killed himself in a really brutal way that made it look as if Noel Edmonds had done it...

...a last, brilliant, You've Been Framed...

Apologies

Hi guys,

My apologies for lack of doing anything the last 6 weeks, I was totally gubbed with ulcerative toncilitas...very unpleasnt. So I've not done any gigs or any new writing in ages...

So now back to full fitness and with a whole year to come - let's start the inane jokes...