New Steve & Dave

'Steve & Dave' is continued with The New Steve & Dave Part II.

Hope you enjoy, feel free to let me know what you think in the comments box.




Click on the above image to see it full size.

Cheating...

Many of you will have realised that sometimes I post a little late, however I manage to look like I post every day by posting an entry similar to

"Today's Post to follow..."

then I edit it when I have time.

Essentially I cheat. I try to create the illusion that I in fact post everyday, whereas I do not. Which is why, sometimes "today's post" that concerns last night actually concerns tomorrow night, which shouldn't have happened yet...but it has...because I cheat.

Just now (tomorrow evening) I am watching The People's Quiz presented by Jamie Theakston.

Someone was just asked: "Who wrote Handel's Messiah?" and answered Roald Dahl...

Even more embarrasing: "Burn's Day celebrates the ife and works of which Scottish poet?"...answered with "I don't know, I'm not Scottish"...awesome...to steal a line from Woody Allen, that is the Zenith of Mongoloid reasoning.

They should do what I do...they should cheat...

Exams v Herring

Today I saw my exam time-table for the first time. This was a very important moment, as I have 2 plans for days in the month of May that I was really hoping wouldn’t clash with any university exams.

The first of these was a trip to Berlin, which is right at the end of the month…no problem here at all.

The second was Richard Herring’s visit to The Stand in Glasgow with his show ‘Ménage a un’.

Now here we have a problem…

Any regular readers, or friends of mine, will know that I hold Richard Herring in a very high regard – in fact, he is the primary reason I have this web-page in the first place. The idea was taken from his daily blog Warming Up – which is infinitely more interesting than my one. (Please go and have a read at Richard’s blog, and hopefully then you can become regular readers of both Fascinating and Warming Up… do not ditch mine in favour of Richard’s superior blog though…he already has 3,000 readers a day and doesn’t really need any more).

So here is the problem – I have an exam on the 22nd, 24th and 25th of May. Richard’s gig is on the night of the 23rd.

This does not leave much time for studying and seeing as I am the type of person that likes to do things at the very last minute (I am currently only half-way through a mega essay that is due in under 11 hours now…) this does not bode well for seeing the gig and passing the exams.

I have a choice to make. A big decision that I am not sure I could make myself.

Where should I go for advice? Someone at the university will clearly tell me to concentrate on my exams, as will members of my family…I’m also not sure some of my (less comedy literate) friends will understand just how good this gig will be…

So I decided the best person to make the call would be Richard Herring himself.

I gave him an email explaining my horrible situation and I have complete faith he will be able to give me sound guidance in this matter!

I’ll let you know how this transpires – please give me a comment with your own advice – I’ll need all the help I can get!

And if you have a chance to see Richard Herring I really urge you to take it - having seen his previous shows I can highly recommend it as an excellent night out!

Running late...

Yesterday I had a gig at the Canonsgait Bar in Edinburgh. I had known about this gig for over a week, yet still managed to leave my house far too late.

I stood at the bus-stop, knowing that if I didn't make the next train from Glasgow to Edinburgh that I would be in big trouble. The bus never arrived...

It was at this point that I decided to hail the next taxi and just pay the money needed to ensure I caught the train. As I flagged the taxi down, I decided (seeing as I am a nice person), that I would give everyone else at the bus-stop a lift as the bus inevitably would never show up.

I have done this before when running late, and the act of kindness I had shown others in giving them a free lift, had been repaid by me finding a fiver on the floor of a bar...now that's good karma (not to be confused with good korma, the best of which can no doubt be found in The Ashoka).

As I say this, do not think I am the type of person that believes in fate, or the old saying "what goes around comes around" as the last time I found money (a tenner on the street) happened just after I had told somebody to "fuck off"...

Anyway, as I journeyed into town with my new bus-stop friends, we chatted about where we were all off to and the respective nights we had ahead of us. The conversation was flowing and everything seemed normal until one of the girls in the cab referred to me by name.

At first I was taken aback - unsure of whether I had introduced myself or not - but it then transpired she used to go to the same school as me, albeit a year younger.

It just goes to show that it really is a small world (actually not really, as the school we attended was pretty local to both our houses and also the bus-stop we both use)...but it goes to show something...

In fact, I have no idea what it shows...although the good news for me is, that I now that I have one more reader of my blog...

It's difficult to do the right thing...

Last night, Chris & I were out for a few drinks, discussing ideas, talking about the comedy festival, speculating about future blog entries and generally just keeping ourselves to ourselves…until we stepped outside.

While walking towards Chris’ car, we looked across the street to see some drunk guy ripping the wing mirrors off the parked cars on the other side of the road.

At this point, many thoughts ran through my mind, like: Why was he doing this? What could he possibly gain from this? Does he think this is funny? Does he think his peers will respect him more now that he has a bit of reflective glass that used to be on a Fiat Punto?

While the answers to this remained unanswered, I decided to voice my disgust by shouting at him, something along the lines of:

“What the hell do you think you are doing? That’s someone’s car!”

He seemed non-plussed and completely ignored me. This only fuelled my anger, prompting me to shout:

“Ho, fucktard…that’s not on!”

He took notice at this.

He turned and walked back towards us (still on the other side of the road) shouting “What the fuck do I care! I’m mental! Do you know who am ur?!” (this translates in non-scum talk as, “Do you know who I am?”)

I did not know who he was (I think this is a positive reflection on my character, as if I did, it probably would have meant I socialised in vehicle-vandalising circles or worked in the prison industry).

Now quite furious, the man grabbed a large sign (still on the other side of the road) and started trying to throw it. The sign was very big and chained to a lamppost, so all he really did was dislodge it slightly. Still, the point came across quite clearly – he was a nutter.

His friend then ran up to him (still on the other side of the road), in what Chris and I thought would be an attempt to pull him away, but instead of doing this, ran straight past him and straight for us.

Chris and I now felt slightly threatened – especially since they were both running towards us (no longer on the opposite side of the road). We felt that it was now a good time to leave, so Chris hit the fob on his key-chain that opened the doors to his car.

Jumping inside, we hastily put our seatbelts on and speeded off, with the 2 guys about 5 feet behind us.

After driving about 200 yards up the road there was a police car, so I jumped out and told the police officer (a gorgeous young lady, although it didn’t seem the appropriate setting for flirting, so I kept it purely business-like) what had happened. When she asked where they were now, I replied

“Somewhere down the street – couldn’t tell you exactly where as we ran away scared”

Something I definitely would not have said if I’d been thinking about pulling…

So the police car drove off and we jumped in the car, making our way home.

On the journey back, Chris and I discussed the incident and what a great blog entry it would make. Although if our assailants were to read it – this would do us no favours.

Although to be honest, I don’t believe someone who rips mirrors off cars spends his days reading. In fact he probably doesn’t have a computer…no wait…he probably does, and he probably stole it…

The Shed...

Well looks like some people have a read at this afterall - thanks to those that turned up at one of my gigs at the weekend.

For those that missed them, I’ll post my next run soon, however in the meantime, I will be on tomorrow night at The Canonsgait Bar in Edinburgh doing a headline set.

In other news - I am upset, scrap that, slightly annoyed, nope too strong, dissappointed maybe? that The Shed nightclub is now the "cool" place to go if you're middle class and a bit of a wanker. I remember heading there when it was scummy and used to get laughed at by all the private school bawbags - gone are the days...

I remember laughing and thinking it was great when the Shack burned down, but in hindsight, it did tend to keep a lot of morons in the one place - shame it didn't catch fire during business hours...

(I have just realised that this post is so inherently Glaswegian that anyone from anywhere else in the world will have no idea what I am talking about...which, may be a good thing, as today's entry isn't particularly funny/interesting anyway...)

Lowering The Tone

So last night was Mark Nelson’s solo-show 'Lowering The Tone' at Blackfriars. I was really nervous before hand, as I knew fucking-up the support would put extra pressure on Mark that he really wouldn’t need for his first solo outing.

In the end, there were no fuck-ups. My support went well and Mark had a great gig, performing for well over an hour and giving the sell-out crowd an excellent show.

I’m proud of the boy, I really am…

After the show, just about every comedian in Scotland appeared in Blackfriars and the end of festival party began…

…There was then some part in the middle…

…And it ended around 7am.

(Forgive me just now, the details are a little hazy, though I remember something about selling a jacket and falling into a bath…crazy night…)

Saturday can be renamed 'Steve&Daveday'

Last night I was gigging at Georgics for Purple Comedy Live. It was a real mixed-bag of a show, but a lovely audience and I had a fun time. I’m told the whole show will be available for download from the Purple Comedy site, so I’ll post the details when everything’s ready.

Tonight, I’m supporting Mark Nelson in his 1-man show: ‘Lowering The Tone’. It sold-out about 3 weeks ago and is going to be packed. Lots of pressure, but I’m really looking forward to it.

On a non-comedy festival note, over the past week, I have had several e-mails and people commenting to me about ‘Steve & Dave’. As a result, I am bowing to peer pressure and bringing them back. Every Saturday there will now be a new ‘Steve & Dave’.

So, to welcome them back…

Cigars After Meals

Last weekend, myself and my girlfriend Claire went to Edinburgh for the weekend for a romantic break…when I say that, what I really mean is Dundee United were playing Hearts and the trip was planned around going to the football…does this make me a bad boyfriend?

None the less, we had a fabulous time and seeing as I was on holiday I permitted myself the odd cigar.

After a meal one night, I was stood outside the restaurant having one of my miniatures when I looked up to see that the sign above me read “Miller’s Close”. After a hasty few glances over my shoulder I realised that while Miller may have been in the vicinity, he certainly wasn’t within visual range…

After a couple of minutes Claire came out to join me and we started a conversation, the first words of which were her saying:

“It’s a shame you’re smoking again…I think you’re addicted”

To which I replied:

“I disagree, I am merely having a cigar not a cigarette, so therefore am not going to start the same old habits again. And also, addiction is classed as a disease. If you were to ask for a medical explanation of the term addiction you would hear something such as ‘Addiction is a primary, chronic, neurobiologic disease, with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. It is characterized by behaviors that include one or more of the following: impaired control over drug use, compulsive use, continued use despite harm, and craving.’ Now while I may be having a cigar, I have freely chosen to have it, rather than feeling forced by a physical dependence. I equate this to much the same way that someone may have a coffee after a meal – ie. because they want one, rather than need one…”

To which, Claire said:

“No, you misheard. I said ‘I think you’re a dick-head’.”

…Well, I can’t argue with that…

The Best of DMBD

As regular readers will know, I have posted some of the old "Dance Monkey Boy Dance" sketches along with my blog entries.

"Dance Monkey Boy Dance" was a sketch/improv/music show devised by some of the best comedy brains in Scotland and I was fortunate enough to get to see the very beginnings of this show as it started life in The Vault comedy club around the corner from my house.

They still perform now (albeit with a slightly different line-up) and are well worth checking out at The Stand Comedy Club in Glasgow on a Monday night.

Today I feel the need to share a few of these older sketches with you - as they are just so damn funny.

First up, their hilarious parody of "The Shawshank Redemption", starring Joe Heenan,



Secondly, "Billy Connolly's Bullshit Tour Of Germany" starring Des McLean,



And finally, one of my favourites they ever did, "The Skateboard King" starring Des McLean & Joe Heenan,



I'll post some more of their old sketches up in the coming weeks as I really feel they should be seen by as many people as possible. Hope you enjoyed them.

More from Revels

To go along with yesterday's post, I am including today some other bits and pieces that came about as a result of the Revels Student Comedy Awards.

In addition to the videos that were posted here, there are also audio podcasts. These have been provided by The Sun online and can be found here. They are basically a highlights clip of each show, probably about 30 secs of each act and are well worth a listen!

As well as this, there have been a couple of articles written - one from the Edinburgh Guide and one from The Scotsman. The Scotsman article really doesn't say much about me, more just about the PR side of sponsoring companies... as Chris so helpfully pointed out in his blog.

Today's entry isn't very entertaining from a writing perspective (though the links are good), so I'll add a photo from the night of the competition. It's of myself , Raymond Mearns (compere), Steve Bennett (chortle.co.uk) and Kevin Bridges (headliner).

Extra News: 'Steve & Dave' may be making a return to this blog soon - so check back in the coming days!

Revels Student Comedy Awards with Chortle.co.uk

A few weeks ago, I won the Scottish Heat in the "Revels Student Comedy Awards with Chortle.co.uk".

It was a really good gig, with some very good acts on the bill, but fortunately I managed to come out on top and secure my place in the final.

The final is in August, during the Fringe and there is a £2,500 prize plus a trip to Montreal for the winner - so I'll be writing like hell to try and get together the best set possible. I will probably use this blog as a grounds to test out some ideas, so please let me know what you think of the posts from day to day.

As part of the competition, all the heats were filmed and posted on the Revels Student Comedy Awards site. You can have a look at all the acts and vote for who you think should get the "punter's choice" place in the final for best runner-up. There are some excellent acts that didn't make it through on their night - so it's definitely worth checking out.

In the meantime, here is a short clip from near the beginning of my performance - I hope you enjoy...

Channel 5...

I spent a lot of yesterday evening watching live baseball on channel 5. Many people mock channel 5, however I feel it is one of the best terrestrial tv channels, as it shows baseball, Prison Break and Columbo. (It is certainly in my top 5 list).

It seems to have got the needs of my generation perfectly – when I was around 13 it showed softcore pornography – this was perfect, in the time before the interent, for the young teenager who was far too young looking to buy a scud mag in the shops.

And now I am older, I obviously have outgrown such titillation on the tv (not because I am somehow morally more mature and against pornography – but because, as pornography goes, it was pretty rubbish).

Remember “Red Shoe Diaries”…a “porn” show that basically amounted to Mulder from the X-files retelling the tale of how Johnny’s big sister got fingered behind a shed?

Porn on terrestrial tv is a lost industry and has gone the way of the magazine…And we have the internet to blame (or thank).

Using the Navbar

I used the “Next Blog” function on the NavBar today and went surfing around the great and good of the blogger world.

While I found some blogs that were interesting and some that were funny, most blogs are terrible.

When I say terrible, I mean, of no interest, poorly written and with either no use of punctuation or an overuse that is ridiculous! For instance, eight exclamation marks in a row and using tilde’s (~ that symbol) as some sort of decoration as opposed to the grapheme that we all know it to be…One of the blogs I came across had the excellent entry…

“~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TODAY I WENT TO THE MALL :))))) TIM CALLED MY FRIEND JENNY FAT :(((((( HE IS HORRIBLE!!??!!??!! WE HATE TIM!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~”

15 year old girls should be banned from having control of any webspace. No exceptions.

I really have nothing more to say…

Oh, except I looked at the pictures attached on that blog and Jenny is fat. On the issue of whether Tim is horrible or not, I cannot comment.

Well, we have come to the end of the run of Steve & Dave. I really hope you have enjoyed them. Thanks to everyone who’s commented, e-mailed me or spoken to me about my comic creation. Please keep the feedback coming! Here is Steve & Dave (Part VIII), an extra-large, Sunday Special.

The difference between jokes and blogs

I was discussing with a comedian friend the other day that some jokes are so easy they basically write themselves. I wonder if the same is true for blog entries...

...Obviously not....

Here is Steve & Dave (Part VII). As tomorrow will be the end of the run - and as it's a Sunday - there will be an extra special, longer Steve & Dave, so please be sure to check back for that!

It's all about Crufts

So it was the final of Crufts at the weekend and I include a photograph of the overall winner, a Tibetan Terrier.

Now it did not surprise me to learn that such a well manicured dog was owned by a male homosexual couple (yes, even I am not above making reference to the easier sexual stereotypes). However, with the knowledge of the wee mutt’s gay owners, what I was not prepared for was the dog’s kennel name of “Fabulous Willy”…These two guys really have a sense of humour and my hat goes off to them.

On other pet-related issues, a friend’s cat died yesterday and I am told we are going out this weekend to toast it…I thought there might have been pet crematoriums for these things, but obviously not.*

I woke up this morning after having been out drinking last night with my friend Nick. I realise now I just can’t keep up with him when it comes to drinking Stella and I should probably never try to again.

Not only was I drunk enough to eat a donner kebab on the way home…but I woke up this morning to find I had placed the half-eaten remnants in the fridge.

Why I thought I would want to eat this at a later stage I have absolutely no idea. Possibly I thought I would have it for breakfast today instead of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes…how shameful…

So here we have Steve & Dave (Part VI)



[*My thanks to Kirsty for that gag :c)]

Lost...yes I am a liitle...

While writing today’s entry, I am currently waiting for the next episode of “Lost” to finish downloading. For those of you that saw the last episode (S03E11) did it surprise anyone else that The Hub’s main defence system involved having to beat a computer at chess before being allowed to send a distress signal/initiate the building’s self-destruct sequence?

At what stage did designers think this was a practical idea?

The main point of a self destruct function is that it is a last resort when you have been attacked and your fortress has been breached. It is used when all is basically lost and you have no time to formulate a defence plan.

So with the knowledge that you don’t even have time to come up with a plan, the best method of initiating such a self-destruct sequence would be to sit at a computer and play chess?

Surely I am not the only one to see the flawed logic here?

For instance, even if you manage to get your colleagues to keep the enemy back from the main computer, what if you do not win your first game? It surely may take several attempts before you emerge victorious. In a real-time war scenario, this just wouldn’t be practical.

Also, we all remember the moment that an IBM program outwitted the greatest chess player in the world – so, how would the random soldier or inhabitant of the house be able to compete with this level of masterclass?

What if your enemies happen to be very good at chess?

This means they can crack your codes straight away and be privy to all your top-secret information…I like to think this is the only reason Britain did not use “the chess defence” during the Cold War.

And finally, what was wrong with the idea of a 4-digit pin-code?

Even if it was forgotten, there surely could be a reset function? And to combat hackers there could be some sort of “3 incorrect attempts and we swallow your card” procedure.

But no…chess it is…

In the end, what I am worried of, is the fact that television shows in particular, have such an influence on everyday life. There are so many examples of ideas and scenarios from TV being recreated in the world around us…

All I’m saying is, just don’t be surprised when faced with a game of spider solitaire the next time you go to withdraw money from a cashline…

We're at the halfway stage with Steve & Dave...savour them while they last...

What's in a name?

I was pointed in the direction of this link, The First Names Given To Babies in Scotland, 2006, by a fellow comedian, Quentin Reynolds (from Airdrie) and felt it was just too full of unintentional comedy not to mention on this blog.

This blog entry could be absolutely massive if I went through all the names stupid enough to deserve a ridiculing, so instead I will hold myself back and only mention a random few (though these few are very very good)...

Firstly, the very first name on the very first page is “A”. Some poor child, somewhere, has only one letter for their first name…And it must not be as stupid as I first thought, as there were 2 kids with the name “A” last year! My first thought was that maybe the A stood for something, however, when thinking about it, it could simply be the indefinite article, for instance, A Wilson instead of THE Wilson.

Glancing quickly down the list, there are many examples of films influencing parents’ choices…an obvious homage to Mr. Day-Lewis with the name "Daniel-Lewis" but even funnier is the complete lack of subtlety shown by the parents of"Brandon-Lee"...Also, I wonder if "Storm's" siblings are called Night-Crawler and Gambit.

I also find it weird how there are only 69 Peters, yet Aiden (in all its different guises) has 513...I really like how this name can be spelled any bloody way you want, however surely the 1 "Aidian" is the result of a dyslexic secretary in the Birth Certificate Office...

…But, possibly the best name out the lot...

..."Skye-Destiny"...

...it sounds like some tv channel that isn't available to those on Virgin Media.

If you have a look at the list, please do leave a comment on any of the crazy names you come across.

Meanwhile, here is Steve & Dave (Part IV)...this is one of my favourites...

Do we really love DQ?

I have just recently found out my timetable for the current semester at University. Not only am I in at 9am every morning (we shall see about that…) but even worse I seem to be in uni at all times that Columbo may be shown on day-time television! Be that Channel 5, Hallmark or even UKTV! Now, I know I own the first 5 seasons on DVD and if I wanted to watch Columbo I could do it whenever the hell I wanted to – but this is not the point.

I am sure everyone is guilty of watching a film they own on DVD and had no intention of watching for a good few years – just because it was on the telly (I know some people like to spell it “tele” as it is the beginning of the longer word “television” – however I prefer this way as it is also a silent homage to the late Kojak actor Mr. Savalas).

Following on from yesterday’s post about my visit to BOX on Sunday night, while we were there, Chris and I were persuaded to hold a sign saying “I Love DQ…” (DQ being the resident DJ on a Sunday night) and have our photo taken.

At first I was sceptical, however he played all the requests I had…David Bowie - Life on Mars, The Jam - Eton Rifles, The Darkness - Growing On Me, REM -The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite…

So in all fairness, it can be said, that “I really really like DQ”… (love is just a wee bit too gay…plus, he didn’t have any Tom Petty…)

Next Monday, having been at BOX the previous night, if my post starts with the words “I love DQ”, it will be because

a) He played Tom Petty (anthology from start to finish)
b) He played Phil Collins (Something I don’t think any DJ is brave enough to do in a Glasgow pub)
c) He murdered that annoying little jake that stands on Sauchiehall Street and begs for money…

In all fairness c) is actually probably more likely to happen than b).

The murder of a homeless man certainly wouldn’t create as much uproar in a city-centre Glasgow club as the resultant chaos a quick rendition of “I Wish It Would Rain Down” would cause…

...And people wonder where Glasgow gets its bad image for booze and violence from…

Here is Steve & Dave Part III (check back tomorrow, part IV is a classic...if I do say so myself...)

Car Alarms on Sauchiehall Street

Today I woke up with a cracking hangover – not “cracking” in the sense of an excellent hangover that I enjoyed, more “cracking” in the sense that it was a hangover of extremes that gave my brain the indication my head may have actually been cracking into separate pieces.

The reason for this, of course, was a long weekend at the Glasgow Comedy Festival followed by a night out, spent drinking at The Box in Glasgow.

Just outside the front door to the pub, there was a red Honda whose alarm constantly kept going off (or on, depending how you look at it). It was incredibly irritating, but no one seemed to give it a second glance as it had been doing it all night.

What a perfect time to break into a car.

Now if I was of the persuasion that stealing car radios was an acceptable hobby, this would have been the best cover ever to break into this Honda and take whatever I liked, as it was clear the owner didn’t give a damn that the alarm was constantly going off.

Then another thought struck me…What if for instance there was a kidnap victim in the boot and every time they attempted to cry for help, the alarm went off drowning out there cries for help…Or perhaps the alarm was intentionally set off to warn passers by not to get too close (the reasons for this are far too vast to expand on here)…

Then another thought struck me…I think too much.

So I went back inside, had another pint and asked the DJ to play The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight…which he did…awesome…

Chris was with me for all of this, and probably will write a completely different account of it in his blog…Obviously my account is the correct version, as it was written first. The end.

I include at the bottom of today’s entry Steve & Dave, Part II, hope you like…

Laurie's & Blackfriars

Well last night was a crazy night of extremes when it came to my shows at the Glasgow Comedy Festival.

The first gig at Laurie’s went superbly, I don’t see how it would have been possible to get any more laughs than I did…The second gig, Late & Live at Blackfriars, went terribly, I don’t see how it would have been possible to get any less laughs than I did…

And such is the magic of Stand-Up comedy, as soon as you think you’ve cracked it, you are returned mercilessly back to earth with a huge bump.

Especially frustrating, as the promoter (the guy who books the acts) was at the second gig, but not the first. This seems to always be the case when it comes to this particular promoter - to give you an analogy, it is like doing consistently good hard work for the past few months but then always fucking things up when the boss is in the room...

After talking to an audience member after the show, she said she couldn't imagine a more difficult or stressful job than being a stand-up comic. It turns out she was a medical student.

Now if I have a bad day at the office, I maybe have had to work for 20mins and I feel a bit crap that I wasn't as funny as I know I can be. I go home and watch Monk before I fall asleep...on the other hand, a doctor works 5 days a week, 10 hours a day and if a doctor fucks up - someone dies and there can be lawsuits a plenty...I know which one I consider to be the easier gig...

So today, I have nothing to do at all. I’ve just watched Columbo: Death Hits The Jackpot on the Hallmark channel and there will be another episode at 4pm…happy days! Definitely the perfect cure for recovering after a late night the night before.

With today’s entry I am including the first in a series of comic strips I created called ‘Steve & Dave’. The inspiration for this came about as a friend of mine used to draw detailed and quite interesting comics and as a result, I thought I’d have a go.

Unfortunately, I don’t quite have the skills in the art department to create the conventional comic, so what we have instead is…well, it’s my work Steve & Dave. I’ll post one a day for the 8 day run it is going to have…I hope you enjoy...

Revels Student Comedy Awards with Chortle

Last week, I took part in the Revels Student Comedy Awards with Chorte.co.uk. It was a really good night and a really good show - so thanks to Revels and Chortle for putting it together!

I managed to win the heat and the video is posted on the Chortle microsite (as well as here!)



You can go on to Chortle and watch clips from all the heats. The "best runner up" in the form of a public vote then also gets through as well.

They have just announced the winner of the final, in addition to the £2,500 cash prize will also get a trip to Canada with a chance at another CA$25,000. So looks like I'll be busy writing as much as I can before the final in August...

...But not today, I'm rushing out the door to go to Dundee for the United v Motherwell game...Shed Rule!!

Amsterdam Photo Tour (Part VI)

And so we come to the end of the photo tour of Amsterdam. The final two pictures are pretty much self-explanatory and require very little comment on behalf of myself.

Firstly, you have to admire the Australians for their honesty and don’t give a crap attitude, with this being the sign above Coco’s Outback Bar on Rembrandt Square…

And secondly, I couldn’t help but laugh at this photo of my girlfriend Claire. It’s so immature, but yet so so funny! Many thanks to her for allowing me to post it on my blog!

Although, it has to be said that the 75 min, works out at 12c per min, whereas the 90min works out at 15c per min...All in all I suppose your getting value for money, but you gotta look after the pennies...

It’s a quick entry tonight as it is the start of the Glasgow Comedy Festival and I’m rushing out tonight to attend Dave Heffron’s 1 Man Show “Nerd Alert!” at Georgics Bar, I’ll let you know how it goes…

Amsterdam Photo Tour (Part III)

So this brings me onto the third selection of photographs from my trip to Amsterdam. The photo of myself and Tom Hanks is just one of many taken whilst visiting Madame Tausaud's there. Anyone who's been, to either that one or London's one, knows that it's a great day out, but you can make it even better by playing a wee game while you're there. The next time you go along - just find a spot where there aren't too many waxworks around and stand perfectly still. I will GUARANTEE you that some stupid tourist will pose next to you for a photograph - not giving a toss what famous person you are. Just as the photo is about to be taken, grab them and let out a yell! I assure you this is great fun - but if you accidentally scare an elderly person to death, don't be blaming the blog you read on the Internet!

While also in Amsterdam, there is the opportunity to visit Anne Frank's house. Having never read the diary I never really understood what all the fuss was about. In fairness though, I don't imagine it being the most exciting diary in the world...

"Monday - Stayed in
Tuesday - Stayed in
Wednesday - Stayed in..."

...

No trip to Amsterdam is complete without a visit to the Red Light District and the Sex Museum. I include a picture of my lovely girlfriend Claire:

In fairness, this isn't the first time she's been photographed next to a giant cock - anyone with a 2003 Hutchesons' Grammar School yearbook will know what I mean.

Catch ya tomorrow for the final Amsterdam installment.

Amsterdam Photo Tour (Part II)

Continuing with my photographic tour of Amsterdam - we move on to another couple of pictures.

As we all know, Amsterdam is full of canals - with some of the locals choosing to live on a boat as opposed to in a house. While this seems like quite a nice idea - being such a pessimist, I can't help but think of the disadvantages. Now anyone that has been robbed or burgled before will agree that it is one of the most infuriating scenarios in the world - especially if they trash your house in the meantime. But, most of my expensive things tend to be far too large to steal easily - such as a widescreen TV and desktop pc. What a great situation for a burglar if they could just steal your whole house, contents and all! While I can never be sure that I won't come home to a ransacked residence - I can safely say that when I come home, I will actually be coming home - even if the possessions previously inside had mysteriously vanished!

So why all this talk of house-boats and burglars? Well it's basically inspired by the following two photographs - shot at completely different times. The first picture shows a group of local Amsterdam tramps, that I snapped without their knowledge or consent! Don't worry, I think I'm safe with the assumption that they will never find out their picture is on the internet - unless they sleep in the doorway of PC World - but it's a chance I'm going to take. Just have a look at it - there are all the stereotypical tramp images. The dogs at the side, the carrier bag full of booze in the middle of the group, the guy on the far right (who although he lives in a city full of canals, looks like he hasn't seen water in a couple of years) and finally, the coup de gras, the bloke passed out in the middle of the grass. It was around 2pm and he was jaked out his nut...Amsterdam tramps, absolutely priceless! Please don't think I am associating all tramps with burglars, this is not the case, I merely thought that the bike on the left was far too big for the guy sitting on it and could be stolen - he may have however bought a larger than normal bike so that when he wore his ridiculously large Dutch clogs, his feet would rest perfectly on the pedals...





The second photo - quite simply this is the worst house-boat EVER! I have to think that my lads in the first photo would rather remain residentially inconvenienced than stoop to the level of this...I can't even find a word good enough...There's no more that can be said today after seeing that picture...just absolutely awesome...

Amsterdam Photo Tour

Last year I spent a week in Amsterdam, which was awesome! I've included some of the photos, and I see this as the perfect place to explain them.



















The photos above are the view from the hotel balcony. "Quite a nice view" I'm sure you're musing - well yes it was. But have a look at the second picture, the one that focuses on the rooftops. Now look closely at the roof of the house with the red windows, closer, just a wee bit closer - there! What's that? No you're not imagining it - it's a shopping trolley. Look closer - there is no way onto that roof from that building, so how did it get there?

After spending some time thinking about it, I have narrowed it down to 3 possibilites that I will share with you now.

1. That it was put there by the Amsterdam equivalent of neds, while they were jellied up, or possibly even Glaswegian neds on holiday showing the Dutch some of their own culture.

2. That it fell out of an airplane carrying shopping trolleys to a new 'Iceland' store located in the near vicinity.

3. The people that live in the house put the trolley on their roof so that people staying in the hotel opposite would take photographs of it and post it on the internet.

Now, as I'm sure you'd agree, each of those scenarios are extremely plausible in their own right. It just puzzles me immensley as there is not only the question of HOW did that get up there, but also WHY would anyone put it there? What would anyone have to gain? The more I think about it, the more unsure I am. Anyway if any of you have any alternate scenarios please leave a comment!

Smoking is cool...

Most of my friends these days know me as a smoker – or at least used to, considering I gave up last year. The idea of me without a cigarette was like Charlie Chaplin without the moustache (this was originally written as ‘Hitler’ without the moustache – but I changed it thinking that – although a better image, it could be deemed offensive even making reference to someone who was THAT BAD at art…), Superman without the cape – or Steven Hawking without the wheels – my point, it was a shock when I gave up.

Now almost 9 months on (my girlfriend could have had a baby in this time! – If my sperm count wasn’t so obliterated…) I can look back on my years as a heavy smoker and tell you honestly the benefits.

1. “I feel fitter” – Can’t say I do really, I eat more now and still don’t do any regular exercise…we will work on this…

2. “I have more money” – Yes. This one is fact – I am definitely enjoying the benefits of not spending all my spare cash on fags

3. “I can look down on other people and pretend I am better than them” – Oh yes, the excellent and widely practiced hobby of the non-smoker – I never realised horses were this high! (Possibly because I imagined jockeys to be smaller – I had the proportion thing all wrong…)

Basically my point is this – I am glad I’ve been able to chuck the habit as most of the myths about why people smoke are just that – total myths…except one…

Just as well I’m not famous – because people won’t like this, but smoking is cool….

I will say it again in case you didn’t catch it (utterly pointless as you could just reread the previous sentence for clarity, but nonetheless we have come thus far) SMOKING IS COOL. In fact it is probably the single most coolest thing I have ever done.

My reasoning is this…When I smoked, and I smoked a lot, being a student, I was constantly broke. I could barely afford travel every day – and lunch was a bonus as the money usually went on 20 B&H. Since I have given up, the money situation is excellent! I have cleared my overdraft and can buy whatever I want.

What have I done with the money I have saved…I just spent £120 on the Complete Babylon 5 DVDs and not long before that £70 on Star Trek…possibly the SADDEST, most geeky thing anyone could ever do…but also something I never could have done while being a smoker…thus I am significantly LESS cool now than I was when I smoked…FACT…Even the most anti-smoking person on the planet couldn’t disagree with that…

So remember…Smoking keeps you cool kids…Smoke long and prosper…

Haiku's...

I am trying to recover from a hangover that resulted from 2 birthday parties in the last 2 days and as a result am at a loose end today with not much to do. I thought about watching ‘Tango & Cash’ or perhaps ‘Shaun of The Dead’ with ‘Directors’ Commentary No.5’ – but decided against it. Not because that would be an extremely sad thing to do, but because I did it yesterday…

In the end, I thought I’d tidy up my room a bit.

While throwing out and sifting through a load of old books I came across my Higher English folder and curiosity got the better of me, so I had a flick through.

The first section was entitled ‘Poetry’. Now I am not really appreciative of good poetry, in fact it tends to bore me slightly – but I realise it takes skill to write it and many people enjoy the stories and emotions discussed when writing in the various styles of verse. That “various styles” comment now brings me to the question -

Why the fuck would anyone ever choose to read a book of haiku's?

Because that’s what I found at the back of the folder. A whole book dedicated to haiku's. If you are not familiar with this particular type of poem – here is the first example from the first page:

"Green frog,
Is your body also
freshly painted?"

No you haven’t missed anything – there are no more verses – that’s it. There is no more to it than those 3 lines.

Anyone that says reading that is enjoyable or somehow enhanced them as a person is a liar.

In fact, I think more skill went into the scrawled limericks written by Chris Loudon and myself on the front page of my folder – my favorite being:

"There once was a guy called Dave,
Who dug up a prostitute’s grave,
She was moldy as shit,
And missing a tit,
But look at the money he saved…"

Now although probably being 15 at the time of writing that, it examines some good themes (getting what you desire for as little money as possible) and it rhymes.

Only ponces call things that don’t rhyme poems.

Poems that do not rhyme are not poems – the same way that a painting that looks like it could have been done by a spastic monkey is not art…Who can say I’m not cultured?

The sketch for today is another DMBD one from the very old days, entitled "Archie's funeral". Hope you like it!

Weekend television

Tonight I have been extremely lazy. I am now playing poker, after having spent the previous few hours in front of the television watching 24 and Waking the Dead - almost the perfect evening of television.

However, although these two shows are excellent, TV, in general, is starting to get me down - and it's not just that "Racists in a House" show that channel 4 were showing. A lot of the other offerings are absolute crap as well...

When I was younger, I remember shows such as Noel’s House Party and Bruce Forsyth’s Generation Game being the pinnacle of weekend entertainment. The question that has to be asked is this: why has weekend TV become so awful? One possible answer is that we are not 12 any more, but in reality I think there is a lot more to it than that...

Take channel 4’s prime time Saturday night offering – The New Ten Commandments, a show in which the British public vote for a new set of commandments as the original ones are seen to be slightly dated. Somebody, somewhere, with a lot of control over television broadcasting, must have thought ‘What a great idea for a programme’ – and this worries me immensely. Firstly, the British public don’t bother voting for elections, so voting for a TV show won’t give us a realistic spread of opinion and secondly – votes were charged at premium rate, nobody in their right mind is going to pay to vote on such a trivial matter…apart from idiots, of course. So therefore, what this show boils down to is a rubbish television programme influenced by idiots…sheer genius and compelling viewing.

Out of the original 10, only 3 commandments remained and the rest were replaced with suggestions such as – “Be true to yourself”, “appreciate what you have” and “Nothing in excess”. If only they’d taken the latter to heart with the subject of poor television...

The DMBD sketch I’m posting today is called “New Fashion”, although I had absolutely nothing to do with this, I feel it needs to be seen by everyone possible as it was one of the most hilarious moments ever when it was first shown at The Stand Comedy Club…Hope you like it…

I'm meant to be doing lab work...

As I write this entry, I am confined to the new Strathclyde University computer labs as I am currently in a 3 hour computer simulation class.

While typing, I am trying to make it look like I am doing something other than writing to an online blog - this is prohibited as I'm meant to be doing work. Actually, come to think of it, I imagine this is how Chloe O'Brien feels when tring to hide what she's actually doing from her superiors...that woman is truely marvellous - I have been caught twice already, she hardly ever gets caught, how does she close those windows so fast...

Pointless musings aside we should move onto pointless cogitations like I originally intended...

As well as blatantly not doing any lab work, I am also listening to music - (a mix of Neil Young, Tom Petty, Manfred Mann and assorted other bands my girlfriend Claire would be totally ashamed of). The Beatles is my current track and I remember John Lennon got in trouble for saying The Beatles were more popular than Jesus...I put it to you, that with a large percentage of the world now wishing a full blown out war with Chiristianity - that Phil Collins is in fact more popular than Jesus...(I suppose he was before Christ, being part of Genesis and all)...

Today’s sketch is entitled “The Deer Hunter” and is one of my favourites. Filmed in Vietnam (well Ashton Lane), look out for Chris wearing an Alan Titchmarsh style jumper and also on the far left, Andy Rosa’s desert rat outfit...sheer class from the costume department...



Oh and please do feel free to leave a comment! That's what the button is for!

Dinner Parties...I'm getting old...

Last night I attended a dinner party hosted by one of my good friends that I have known for years. This made me realise just how old we are getting. It doesn't seem that long ago where a Wednesday night would have been spent with similar company smoking and drinking cheap cider in the park. (Maybe that should have read drinking cheap cider and also smoking cigarettes, although you would have to be pretty stupid to think I was implying I used to smoke cider. Although along similar lines, I was once in a bar where I asked for a Vodka & Coke and was given a water & Coke...the surprising thing was the barman didn't once question this mix, maybe it is me who is being stupid and water & Coke is the done thing at student unions...)

In other news from years gone by, clips have just recently been posted on Youtube from the show Dance Monkey Boy Dance, a sketch show that used to be at The Vault Comedy Club in Shawlands. Sadly The Vault is no longer around and Dance Monkey Boy Dance no longer do their sketch comedy anymore, but I'll be posting some of the sketches on here for you to look at. Today's offering is entitled "Fight Club". I remember this was the first time we went along to be extras in any of their sketches(our troup being known as The AVP), it was great fun and I hope you like it...




Oh and Dance Monkey Boy Dance, although no longer doing sketch comedy (and with a slightly altered line-up to the one you will see in the videos), are still doing their hillarious improv show on Monday nights at The Stand Comedy Club in Glasgow. This is well worth checking out!